Five Times Arthur And The Knights Accidentally Broke Merlin And The On
by ibelieveaslansdefender
Summary: "Percival- what're you doing here?" Percival wouldn't have woken him unless it was important. "We weren't sure what else to do, Sire, it's Merlin." Important, indeed. Or, the five times Arthur and his knights try to help Merlin and the one time Merlin realizes he deserves help too.
1. The Time He Gave Them Heart Attacks

Through the years, many people had snuck into his rooms after curfew, for many different reasons. There'd been his father, of course, the guards to wake him for the various emergencies, Morgana to drag him on her various escapades, and, sadly the most often, asasins after his neck.

But never a giant.

Until that day...

He was sound asleep, cacooned beneath his soft quilts and resting atop his downy pillow, his counciousness willingly trapped in that blissful place between reality and possibility. Then two hands locked on his shoulders and shook, yanking him from the sleepy warmth and dragging him cruelly into the cold of awake.

Arthur's eyes tore open and his body locked.

Knife. Table. Throat.

Instantly alert, adrenaline flooding through him, Arthur's body automatically moved in time with his thoughts, his hand fisting around the handle of the knife before his mind registered that the intruder was talking.

"Arthur, stop- it's me, it's Percival-" Arthur's mind registered the voice and he dropped the knife, thankfully before he reached phase three. He bolted upright as Percival's hands fell off his shoulders, leaving him only able to guess where his knight was in the dark.

"Percival- what're you doing here?" He flung off the covers and swung his feet over the edge, the panicked adrenaline slowly ebbing from his veins, leaving him with only a clear head. He reached for the scarlet shirt on the bedside table. Percival wouldn't have woken him unless it was important.

"We weren't sure what else to do, Sire, it's Merlin."

Important, indeed.

"And you don't know what's wrong with him?" Archer asked as he charged through the silent halls, occupied only by the flickering torches and their own light breathing.

"No, Sire. He's unresponsive to anything we do."

"Have you gotten Gauis?"

"He's still treating the shakes in Riversford, he's three days out at least." Arthur sighed. He'd known that. He'd sent the physician to the town. Said they'd be fine for a few days. Gaius should go help the people who actually needed him.

His big mouth!

"Sire," Percival began, and Arthur realized he couldn't remember the quiet giant ever saying anything unprompted before.

"You don't think- he hasn't been… cursed ?" The man's soft tone didn't change, but Arthur could hear the unspoken worry in it. He felt the same stab him in his heart.

"Don't worry, Percival. If he has, we'll fix him."

We have too.

They turned the corner to the armoury and Gwaine's silloette popped out of the open doorway, looking garrish in the night's poor light and making Arthur and Percival reel back..

"Princess, thank heavens!" he breathed as his face, which had been held up in the mask of assurance he always wore when he didn't know what to do, sagging with relief.

"What's wrong? And what's he doing down here of all places?"

Gwaine frowned, worry burning in his chocolate eyes.

"See, that's the thing…"

Gwaine unhelpfully trailed off. Arthur, trying to stave his worry, shoved through the door and saw inside.

Merlin sat in the middle of the cheerfully lit room, every single weapon, shield, and suit of armour in the entire armoury strewn about him. He was dazedly scraping the large shield on his lap, moving the cloth in long, clumsy, circular motions. Arthur's heart shuddered with relief. His servant was unconsious. He wasn't bleeding. He wasn't spasming. He wasn't attacked. He wasn't dying. He was fine. But then Arthur really looked at the man. His skin seemed abnoramally pale in the firelight, the faint sheen of sweat glistening on his brow, glazed blue eyes staring off at the opposite wall, not seeing anything, face slack and emotionless. His hands kept tracing the shield. Oblivious.

Oh. Not fine.

"What's he doing?" Arthur asked softly, sheathing the sword he couldn't remember drawing and stepping into the room, cautious, not wanting to scare Merlin. The man didn't even notice.

"Polishing. Or at least, we think that's what he's trying to do. Percy and I were coming back from some night training and found him in a frenzy, grabbing everything off the walls like his life depended on it, then he plopped down and he's been right there, like this ever since. We've tried talking to him- but he won't respond- it's like he doesn't even know we're here." Though his face was professional and ready, Gwaine's voice cracked on the last sentence.

"Or doesn't know he's here." Percival breathed from behind them. His tone equally bothered.

Arthur continued to creep through the room, silently dancing around the mess of armour and various sharp pointy things, until he came to a stop several feet away from Merlin.

"Merlin?" He asked, forcing his voice to be gentle. Like your calming a horse.

"Merlin? Are you alright?" Merlin didn't respond. Just continued to stare blindly at the wall, blinking languidly.

"Merlin?" He tried again, slowly lowering himself onto his haunches so he'd look less threatening. Heaven forbid he make things worse.

"We're not going to hurt you, Merlin. Your safe. Maybe it's time you stopped being such a clotpole and graced us with your presence. I think Gwaine and Percival would be relieved. Babies that they are, between you and me, their pretty worried. So how about you come back to us, and we'll sort this all out and put them to bed - how does that sound?" Arthur said,fighting against the adrenalin screaming inside him and speaking low and slow.

No response.

He looked back at Gwaine and Percival helplessly, they only frowned further.

"Have either of you noticed anything strange? Before now, I mean, has he been himself? Or done anything out of the ordinary?"

"Not that I've noticed."

"I can't even say if I've even seen him this past week." Gwaine sounded bitter and Arthur looked up in surprise to find the knight was staring down at Merlin, shame burning in his eyes.

"It's not your fault, Gwaine," Percival said before Arthur could "I haven't seen him much either."

"It's not either of your faults, after the bandits on patrol last week, he was in the tavern for two days. And he's been working all over the place catching up, ever since." Arthur supplied. Neither of them were in the wrong here. Their hearts were getting in the way of their clarirty. He needed answers.

"Could that be it, then? Could he have worked himself to this state?" Percival asked. Pain lanced in Arthur's stomach. Was that it? He hadn't given Merlin too many extra chores, had he? Was this his fault?

Similar pain flashed in Gwaine's eyes and his face crumpled.

"Oh Merls, I'm sorry. I should've known. I would've helped you…"

Great. Now Gwaine thought this was his fault. They were absolutely no help to Merlin in their state. They needed to pulled themselves together.

"Alright," Arthur said abruptly, but still not above a whisper, straightening and half-turning so both both his knights and Merlin was in his view.

"That's enough of that. When Merlin's exausted, he doesn't do this. He collapses like a girl. There's something else at play here. Something we're missing."

"Are you suggesting magic?" Gwaine asked, his face recomposed in a mask, his voice pinched with the effort.

"I'm not ruling it out."

"What would be the purpose in enchanting him to do… this?" Percival asked.

Arthur sighed. That was the question that had been gnawing on the back of his mind. There was no plausible purpose! They weren't even sure what… "this" was!

"I don't know."

They were silent for a moment. All staring at Merlin who continued on, completely unaware.

"So, what're we going to do about it?" Gwaine finally broke the silence.

"Get him back to the infirmary." Arthur decided the moment he said it. Instantly he was filled with a strange sort of… empowered relief. He had a direction to go, a place to start, a way to help. "Gaius must have something in all those books that can help us."

They nodded and Gwaine glanced back at Merlin before squaring his jaw and turning away from him to face Arthur.

"Right. I'll wake the knights." Arthur nodded. Good. They needed all hands on deck.

Gwaine marched out of the room stiffly and was barely out of sight when he broke into a run, footfalls echoing through the hall.

"Do you need me to carry him?" Percival asked. Arthur frowned, studying the boy who seemed to have only grown paler. And was he shuddering? Tremors ran up and down the servant, jarring his circle pattern.

"Let me try something else first." Arthur strode forward again, nimbly stepping around and over the scattered dangers.

"Maybe clear these up a bit? He'll need a clear path." He called softly before crouching down again before Merlin.

"Merlin? Merlin, can you hear me? Hi. It's me again. Think your ready to join the land of the living again?" He could hear the soft clanking of shifting weaponry as the friendly giant tried to move them as quietly as possible.

"You know," Arthur continued, slowly reaching out his hand, making sure to do it in Merlin's vision so he could see and react if he realized.

"I think that shield's very polished now. Good job. You must be tired, huh? It's late, maybe it's about time to hit the sack, don't you? You ready to go home?" Slowly, gingerly, Arthur laid his hand on Merlin's shoulder.

Merlin blinked slightly, but other than that there was no change.

Arthur's heart fell, but his voice was still light and encouraging.

"It's been a long day, getting some sleep would be nice, huh? Peaceful?"

Merlin twitched slightly. His face shifted for an instant almost a frown.

" Ne' worh… " He mumbled and Arthur's heart soared. He was responding! That couldn't be bad, right? This was good?

"What, Merlin? What did you say? Can you understand me? Do you want to go home?"

"... Artr nes m' worh…" Merlin mumbled again, frowning ever so slightly off in the distance.

Worry lanced through Arthur again, replacing he relief from before.

He wasn't making sense- was something wrong with his mind? Arthur couldn't understand him!

"Merlin?"He asked, gently tightening his hold on the servants shoulder, as if the hold could pull Merlin back to him.

He was about to continue when Merlin, brows furrowed over his blank eyes spoke on, suddenly having lots to say.

" Ne' m'. Gain ow o' avern, gaysis rout, eli'n ift fer 'en, civil rainin', n'ohn els, ne' m'. Lan'iloh ne's…. En's 'lon'y Artr nes 'o l'ste… Art nes efry'in… ban'i's...potect…." Merlin's meaningless mumbling slowly drifted off, his expression going blank again. Arthur's heart lurched, but he shoved the panic away.

Merlin would be fine. Merlin would be fine. Merlin would be fine. Merlinwouldbefinemerlinwouldbe-

"Merlin, I swear by the stars, I'll fix you. I'll do whatever it takes, your going to be okay." He promised, his voice barely audible, but the vow ringing in his heart.

"That's wonderful, Merlin. I completely agree," he said louder, a faint part of him still hoping to reach his friend.

"A night's rest is just what we need…. So let's just…" the moment of truth. With his one hand still firmly on Merlin's shoulder, his other went to the shield, gently pulling it away from the smaller man's grasp. It came without resistance. He set it beside them, every fiber of his body attuned to his actions.

"There you go, like that. Letting go can be hard sometimes, your doing great…" Arthur mumbled absently as his hands drifted under his friend's elbows. Time seemed to hold it's breath as he gently pulled up. But destiny's favor shone on them and Merlin willingly let him guide him to his feet, swaying slightly even as Arthur slung the man's arm over him to steady him.

" Artr nes m'." Merlin tried again.

"That's exactly right, up to bed, there you go. Let's just take it nice and slow…" Arthur said, still not understanding a word the man said, just taking one step at a time, guiding him home.

"Maiden's Legs, Princess, if you ask me that one more time I swear I'll-"

"I'm your king! If I hear another threat from your lips I'll cut out your tounge-"

"Gwaine! Maybe direct that energy towards finding what is hurting Merlin?"

"What do you think I'm doing?!"

"I think your-"

"Shove a sock in it, Lance- how am I supposed to think when Arthur badgers me every second if I've found anything- like I'd keep something that could help Merlin secret-"

"Sir Gwaine, calm down or I will remove you from this room."

"Like blinking blazes you will-"

"Just calm down-"

"I will if I have to, don't test me- Sire, we're all trying our very hardest to find something and some of us are behaving less than ourselves because we're worried and helpless-"

"Come out and say it to my face-"

"Sir Gwaine!-"

"Arthur!" Percival's voice broke through the heated debate from where he knelt beside Merlin's bed. "He's burning again, and he's starting to shake, every time one of you says something he flinches."

Silence.

Shame.

Then everyone turned and attacked the books with a newfound ferver.

Hours later, with dawn slowly breaking, Elyan's voice cut through the silence.

"Arthur, I think I found something." Every knight scattered across the room stiffened, looking over the stacks of dusty books surrounding them and over at Elyan, who was nearly hidden by all the piles surrounding Gauis's desk. Elyan looked at Arthur and nodded.

"I think I found it." He said again, and the room let out a breath, as if it had been afraid it'd heard wrong. They shoved their books away and darted over, clustering around him worriedly. Only Gwaine remaining where he was, looking anxiously over at them from his vigil by Merlin's bed.

"What is it? Is it magic?" Arthur asked urgently, his hand sliding to his sheath as if he could vanquish the unseen threat the second it was labeled.

Merlin whimpered below him at the last word and Gwaine spun, putting a comforting hand on the man's shoulder.

"Don't worry, mate. We'll find whoever did this to you. You'll be fine."

"Actually Gwaine," Elyan interrupted "It's not magic." The room all heaved a heavy sigh of relief. Percival frowned.

"Then what is it? If not magic, what could make him act this way?"

"It's called 'Night Living'-"

"We're not talking about me-" Gwaine interrupted distractedly, as he rubbed the damp cloth over Merlin's burning forehead again.

"No, not that sort of Night Life- it says here it's a rare desiese-" bodies locked and breath shuddered and heads turned to Merlin lying innocent and helpless on his cot.

"It's not fatal-" Elyan exclaimed and everyone released held breaths and turned back to glower at him.

"You should've led with that, mate!"

"What is it then?"

"I'm trying to tell-"

"That's it." Percival, gentle giant who only spoke when he thought it absolutely necessary, exclaimed, reaching over and grabbing the book before reading aloud in a soft voice.

"Night Living is a non-fatal brain activation in sleep, that can cause various effects, such as walking or talking during sleep."

"He was asleep?"

"Then how did he get down there?"

"Did he know what he was doing? Was he aware?"

"What about the fever and the sickness? Did the Night Living cause that?"

"How do we cure him?"

"Hang on, hang on, I've found something: Night Living in of itself is not dangerous or harmful to the brain or body, however the subjects minds are confused when they are in such a state. They can see, but sometimes often think their seeing some other room or place than where their at. Their whole brain is not activated so their motor skills are likely impaired. Caution and supervision are recommended for safety during Night Living. Waking is not recommended, patients might be confused and react defensively."

"Again, is there a cure?"

"What's the cause? Why now?"

"It isn't what's making him sick?"

"It says here that the cause isn't anything special. Some people are just born with the inclination for it. What else on cause...? Cause, cause… oh, people who Night Live often have a 'purpose' in their actions. Often they revisit familiar places they go when their awake, but sometimes their driven to do things outside of their usual patterns... no, that's not it… hang on…"

"So, what he was doing with the weapons-"

"He was on a mission?"

"... there is no cure, most often occurs in small children and generally diminishes by adulthood…"

"Clearly that happened." Arthur mumbled.

"Ah- found it! However, Night Living can reoccur or more frequent in a persons life based on dramatic changes in their day-life environment or situation,"

"So it's not that." Elyan mused.

"Changes in physical, mental, or emotional health…"

Gwaine frowned, looking down to study his patient's moon-white face.

"So he got sick, and then the Night Living thing-y came back?"

"Or- oh…"

That caught their attention. They stiffened and looked away from Merlin and back at Percival.

"What is it?" Lancelot asked apprehensivly.

Percival looked up to meet their gazes.

"A minor to dramatic increase in stress."

Oh.

All of them felt the truth ringing in that statement.

That was the one.

"Oh Merlin, you big girl." Arthur sighed worriedly.

"What could have stressed him so much so suddenly, it's been a perfectly quiet-" Lancelot began but Gwaine bolted upright on his stool, swiveling to face his brothers.

"The bandits!"

Recognition dawned in their hearts.

Oh. The bandits.

"But we see bandits all the time." Percival protested.

"Why these?" Elyan asked.

"Maybe because those three got away?" Gwaine challenged, a bite in his voice as he glared at Arthur. Arthur glared back, heat rising in his face.

"Oh, and what you have done? Merlin was at-"

"Swordpoint." Lancelot finished, seeming to go a shade paler as he looked at his unconsious friend.

"That's what he's stressed about." Elyan said, understanding flashed across his face.

"And their still out there." Arthur growled, self-hatred burning his voice.

"It's not your fault, Sire. You did what any of us would've done- were about to do, actually." Leon promised.

"They'll never touch him." Gwaine vowed darkly, wringing the dripping cloth out before placing it back on Merlin's forehead.

"Never." Arthur agree with the same look in his eyes.

"So, this isn't ridiculously dangerous to Merlin,and there's nothing we can do to stop it from happening again, so what are we going to do?" Percival asked, looking over at Arthur. Arthur, never tearing his eyes away from Merlin, said.

"We'll treat him and when he's better, we'll tell him that there's no way those three can hurt him. We're going to protect him."

The Knights nodded their agreement, steeling their eyes, clenching their jaws, squaring their shoulders.

Good, noble, brave intentions.

Stupid knights.

**Things To Do While Gaius Is Gone:**

Collect herbs,(daily)

Gauis's rout, (daily)

Drag Gwaine from tavern, (daily)

Help Elyan find gift for Gwen,

Percival's training, (daily)

Talk with Gwen about what's bothering her Talk to Arthur about paying attention to his wife,

Do the barrack's snow sweeping for Lancelot,

Keep an eye on Lancelot's cold from last week (check if the cough is actually quieting), (note to self, it has quieted, still under watch for other signs of lingering illness)

Sort the knight family records for Geoffrey,

Deliver suspicious sorted records to Leon,

Millie's third term exaimination,

Cook's supplies run, (thrice weekly)

Merlin skimmed past the next three pages of the instructions he'd written himself to the mostly blank page, with only one word from the previous list staining it.

**Protect Them**

As good a place as any , he thought, dipping his quill into the ink.

Dear Freya,

I've sleepwalked again. Gwaine and Percival walked in on me in the armoury, apparently trying to polish everything with metal on it. Apparently I believe in working in my sleep now.

I knew I was pushing myself a bit too hard, I should've probably done it a bit slower after the kidnapping.

I didn't think those bandits would find me so quickly. That's why Arthur and the knights think I was doing it. They think I'm scared the men will come after me.

They reassured me that they'll protect me and the bandits won't be able to hurt me, so I can stop worrying. It was very sweet.

I didn't have the heart to tell them when I escaped from the "tavern" I spelled the bandits.

Fresh slates.

I couldn't risk leaving them with a grudge against Arthur.

Besides, if I told them I've been stressed because the bandits almost got Arthur- because I almost failed, they'd never believe me anyway.

I wish you were here.

But I already know what you'd say.

You'd tell me I need to remember to eat. That I need to sleep. That I need to take care of me so I can protect him.

I get that. It's just hard to remember when he's being attacked, or poinsened, or captured, or nearly assasained, or spelled every time I turn my back.

If I look away they'll die. Like you.

Maybe it'd be easier if I wasn't his manservant. If I didn't do all those extra things for them. But they need those things so much. And it's the only thing that pulls me out of the dark void I was telling you about. The one with the thoughts? Helping them is the only thing that pulls me out of that. Maybe that's why I've been spared when everyone I love seems to die. Maybe it's so I can make their lives worth living.

I'm trying.

But I'll try your way too, Freya.

I love you. If I could have one selfish moment, it'd be to just end it so I could see you.

But don't worry, love...I'm not going to let the void win. I have to be strong for them. For Albion.

My heart is yours, Always.

Merlin.

Merlin leaned away from the leather-bound book, inspecting it for mistakes. Freya didn't deserve mistakes. Satisfied, he dipped it into the ink again and wrote:

**Things To Do When I Sneak Off Of Bedrest Tomorrow**


	2. The Time They Thought He Was Scared

**The Time They Thought He Was Scared When He Cried**

It's time. I've waited for so long. Let me go.

He realized he'd been here before. Tried to wake up but he was trapped.

Helpless.

Be happy. I love you. Always.

No. No. NoNoNoNoNoNonononononononono... please... not again...

He was at a unpassable fork-a gulf- and either way was death.

The attack was over in seconds.

But then the choice was made- fate sealed. Closed. Final.

The cheers of his friends clashed with the ripping of his heart. They surrounded him, but he was alone. Forever. Alone. Always.

Merlin wrenched awake, crashing into time, tears streaked down his cheeks as his chest spasmed, frigid air searing his lungs.

(Earlier that day)

From the look on Arthur's face, Lancelot could gather the young monarch had hoped he'd go his whole life without ever facing another Bastet. But the King only frowned and straightened. In his short rein as king, he'd realized very quickly that the rulers of the land rarely got what they wanted. The duties of a king.

"And your sure?"Arthur asked, his tone resigned. He already knew Leon wouldn't have come to him if he hadn't.

Leon nodded gravely from where he sat beside Lancelot. The action echoed on every knight's face across the circular sphere, equally serious expressions on their faces. Even Gwaine on Lancelot's right had straightened in his seat, pulling his feet off the table and staring seriously at Leon.

"Yes. The marks are the same as when the last beast entered Camelot. Except possibly bigger."

Arthur nodded briskly, his eyes clear with clarity as his training wiped his mind of everything but the problem at hand.

"Right. Well, it doesn't matter how big it is so long as it's heart's still unprotected."Arthur began grimly before turning to his dark skinned knight to his left.

"Elyan, I need you to send the crown's condolences and money to cover the burials and the first month of living expenses to the families." Elyan nodded, his determined gaze was soften by the compassion in his eyes, confirming Lancelot's suspicions Arthur had chosen the best man for the job.

"Leon, round up the knights and the off-shift guards, I need everybody on hand, then set up a watch around Camelot's periminiter. Lancelot straightened in his seat. Ready.

"This beast won't hurt any more of my people. Percival, I want you with him."

The giant and the head knight nodded stoickilly.

"Of course, Sire."Leon promised.

Percival, ever a man of many words, nodded once more.

"Gwaine, Lancelot,"They both straightened expectantly. Gwaine with his jaw setting and his hand already creeping for his sword. Lancelot nodded, sending away his resignation and focusing his concentration entirely on his King.

"You two are with me." They nodded in unison. Pride warming Lancelot's heart. It had taken Arthur so long to learn to trust anyone but Merlin after his sister's betrayal, to be entrusted to guard the King's back was an honor not given lightly.

"Merlin, make the preperations and ready-" but Arthur stopped as he heard his wife speaking at the same time, her voice soft and concerned.

"Merlin, are you alright?"

Lancelot broke his attention from Arthur, tearing away to the man standing behind him, sensing the rustling in the room as the other's did the same.

Merlin stood behind Arthur, pale as a corpse, trembling like a leaf and clutching the silver water jug like it could save him from drowning. His cerulian eyes buldged, wild, and yet, somehow, strangely lost.

"Mate, you good over there?" Gwaine asked, his gentle tone carried across the hushed room.

But Merlin didn't answer. Didn't move. Didn't blink.

Something undefinable twisted in Lancelot's stomach, leaving him faintly sick . Something was wrong. Merlin was- Lancelot frowned.

Everything- the way his servant trembled, the wild wetness in his eyes as they stared unseeingly across the room, the soft desperate gasps as he tried to breath- screamed that something was wrong. Something undefinable, something he felt in his bones he should know. But he didn't.

The familiarity of the situation struck him and Lancelot studied Merlin with new eyes, comparing him to that night all those weeks ago.

Was he asleep?

Had he somehow drifted off? Was he Night Living? His mind wanted to believe it. That was it. Nothing was wrong. His poor friend was just asleep.

But something in his heart turned the idea away. Yes, there were similarities, but Merlin was acting different than when he was asleep. When he was asleep he always had something he was trying to do, some sort of purpose.

But the Merlin now had no purpose.

No, Lancelot realized as he scanned Merlin again, the boy's lost expression popping out at him like blood on snow.

Like someone's taken it.

Lancelot glanced around at the knights, as if they might understand what he was missing, but their faces only mirrored his thoughts.

"Merlin-" Arthur started, and Lancelot's eyes snapped back to the king who continued to stare at Arthur, his brows bent worriedly over confused, clouded eyes. But the Queen was already out of her seat, her purple skirts rustling as she rushed to Merlin's side.

"Merlin," she said, her voice soft and low, but the concern in it emanated from her like a battle cry.

"Are you alright?"gently, gingerly, her hands reached for him, one steadying the pitcher, the other lightly landing on his shoulder.

Merlin jerked, staggering back, clenching the jug even tighter as it's contents sloshed all across his front, his eyes snapping wide like a startled doe, wild with…. with something!

Lancelot momentairly mentally growled at his inability to define what it was. It was like he was making a puzzle, and he knew what the picture was supposed to look like, but he was missing the one peice that made it blatantly obvious. How could he help Merlin if he couldn't even figure out what was wrong with him?!

Gwen's soothing tones pulled him back to the present.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to frighten you,"she murmured softly, stepping back and raising her hands in surrender, but the combination of worry and love on her face made it seem maternal instead.

Merlin shied away from the movement, seeming to curve in on himself, whatever terrible emotion locked in his eyes seemed to jump and scream at the action. Gwen hurridly lowered her hands, stepping back further, as if a wider gulf would sooth him.

"I was only trying to see if you were alright."

Merlin frowned a moment, his breath still comming in ragged gasps. Then, a moment later, his eyes widened with recognition. A moment after that his features rearranged, like a quilt that had been patched too many times, hapazardly. Broken. Thin. His lips twisted up in a smile, but it was a ghost, haunted by the undefinable something in his eyes.

"No, no- that's fine- sorry, I didn't…" Merlin said, his voice pinched, his gaze not on her, but glazed and staring at the door, his breaths ragged, his mind somewhere far away.

Worry twisted- gnawed inside Lancelot. His heart screamed against the servant's words. This was wrong. Something was wrong!

"Merlin-" Lancelot started, his voice ringing with the echoes of several others in the room. Arthur pushed back his chair and rose- desperation burning in his eyes. Lancelot felt the same desperation twisting inside him. He wanted to sweep over to the poor man and enfold him into his protection- grab a hold of the situation, find what was wrong and help- fix it.

Merlin's eyes darted to the king as he moved, dawning with recognition. They flickered with something darker, but before Lancelot could define it, it was gone.

"Merlin, we're only trying-" Arthur started once more but Merlin tore his gaze from Arthur's. His eyes flitting about everywhere but Arthur.

"Sorry, Gwen- I didn't mean, I'm just… I'll go- the horses…"Drunkenly, Merlin spun around and hobbled to the door.

"Merlin, wait-" Arthur started for the door, but the servant was gone.

"Maiden's Legs!"Arthur exploded.

When a quarter hour later Lancelot, Gwaine, and Arthur walked into the courtyard to find no horses but a Merlin who seemed present and aware, if somewhat distracted, they didn't say a word. They simply prepared their horses beside him, dissmissing his apologies, with Lancelot casually inspecting Merlin's saddle for weak points before swinging into his own. They set off, the horseshoes ringing on the cobblestones until they passed Camelot's gate. Then Merlin kicked his horse gently, pulling away from Arthur's side and taking the lead. The three knights frowned after him, worry curled inside Lancelot, but before he could hurry after the servant, Gwaine kneed his own horse and sped off after him.

After a moment, his eyes still trained on Gwaine and Merlin ahead, Lancelot fell back into Merlin's abandoned spot. Ready for the worried conversation that was obviously coming.

Up ahead, Gwaine was angled towards Merlin, trying to engage him in conversation, his posture nonchalant, but Lancelot could see the cloud of concern in his eyes. Arthur broke his gaze away from them, turning to Lancelot and he looked away from his friends ahead and turned to his King, ready. Trying to calm the anxious energy buzzing around him. It wouldn't do Merlin any good.

"Lancelot, did anything strange happen last night? Who was on watch?"Arthur's voice was thinly masked desperation, clearly hoping Lancelot would have some answer that would suddenly make everything clear and illuminate what Merlin needed. But Lancelot shook his head, tasting the same bitter disapointment that echoed in the King's gaze.

"It was Elyan, but when he briefed me for tonight he said it was a peaceful night. All he wanted to do was look at the stars and Elyan got him back to bed in less than a quarter hour."Arthur frowned, glancing up at Merlin. Lancelot followed suit and felt a frown twisting his lips as well as he saw the raven head swiviling around, his eyes tight and roving, his face pinched as he tried to represss that something Lancelot would move worlds to understand.

Lancelot's heart burned within it's cage. His instincts all screamed something was very wrong with his friend- but, for the life of him- he didn't understand what! Why was Merlin such a blasted enigma?! And why did he insist on internalizing everything? When something was wrong with one of his comrades, he could always tell when they started bullying training posts and glowering at the world- but Merlin did nothing! He kept smiling his caring grin and tripping over his feet- completely identical to how he behaved when he was happy! Until something like this happened and he broke and they didn't know how to fix it because he wouldn't tell them what was wrong or when it had started heading that way! Lancelot stared hopelessly ahead until he heard Arthur growl beside him.

"Stupid sparking manservant."

Lancelot tore away from Merlin and looked up at his king, who glowered straight ahead, perhaps at his servant, but his eyes were so lost Lancelot couldn't tell.

Lancelot understood the frustration behind the words

If they didn't understand- how could they help?

Worry later- pull yourself together and use your brain! He was fine last night, so whatever went wrong must've happened today.

"When did you notice something was wrong with him?" Lancelot asked, Arthur turned to him, the clouded confusion in his eyes disappearing. A focal point he could close in on and block everything else out. He responded without hesitation.

"During Leon's report."

Well, that at least meant Lancelot hadn't been oblivious to Merlin's pain. But the image of his friend's unexplainable, undefinable emotion popped into his head and he flinched. That wasn't good enough.

"Me too. Before or after Gwen-?" Arthur frowned, being less ready with this question.

"At the same time, I believe. I was just registering something was wrong when she said so-"

"Merlin? Merlin!"Gwaine screamed. Lancelot's heart stopped and he and Arthur spun around to see Gwaine twisting in every direction, wild panic in his eyes as he searched desprately. The horse beside him vacant except for the faintest whisp of gold mist.

Oh. Magic.

Why hadn't he thought of that before?!

"It wasn't my fault!"

"Really?! Than how do you explain it? He just poofed away and you didn't notice anything?!"

Magic. There's something wrong with his magic.

"Yes! One minute he was there and then the next he was gone!"

"The sorcery happened right in front of you! You had to notice something!"

And that's why he's scared of Arthur, because he can't control it.

"There was nothing to notice! You think I wasn't paying attention to my best friend after everything that's happened today?!"

"You didn't notice something was wrong with him earlier!"

And now he's unable to defend himself with the Bastet- that's it!

"Neither did you!"

"Are you saying I don't pay attention to my own servant-"

Of course! This is the Bastet's fault! We defeat it, we save Merlin.

"Are you-" Gwaine began again, his voice seething, his volume bellowing across the forest, sending birds squawking and flapping away.

"Gwaine! How can I listen for the Bastet or Merlin if you keep screaming?!"

"He thinks I wasn't paying attention-"

"And if you don't start now, Hunith could be the next to receive the crown's condolances!"Lancelot yelled, finally loosing hold of the tight ball of anxiety he'd been containing. The effect on the others was immediate. Gwaine looked like he'd been slapped, the anger searing in his eyes morphing to a burning guilt. Arthur reeled back, washing as white as a ghost, his mouth falling open in horror, eyes sparkling with grief.

The knot loosed inside him, Lancelot growled softly under his breath, stealing two quick breaths from the cold air around. Calm. He needed to be calm. He needed to be calm and he needed his head in the moment.

Because Merlin was out there, alone and scared, with a wild monster that hurt magic on the loose.

And Merlin needed him.

In. Out. Calm.

The wild racing of his pulse soothed slightly.

In. Out.

"Arthur, I'm so-" Gwaine started, turning ashamed to their King. But Arthur shook his head fervantly.

"It's forgotten. And it is I who should be apologizing to you, Sir Gwaine. I know you did your best-"

"- **please! **" The scream rang through the trees, crashing into them and pulsing through their heads

piercing their hearts, stabbing their souls.

The scream abruptly cut off.

A pause, an instant, breath held as they waited.

Then it was over.

" Merlin! "

They charged forward blindly, chasing after their brother's screams, swords drawn, blood pulsing, hearts tearing, praying.

Lancelot pulled ahead stopping abruptly as he crossed into a clearing. Red clashed with black in the sky, contrasting the scene in front of him.

Merlin stood, pale and illuminated in the fading light, a sword in his hands, the edge embedded into the chest of a black cat with wings towering above him. Merlin's eyes were locked with the beasts, his chest heaving, his body trembling, his eyes overflowing with tears, burning with the something - the fear, Lancelot now knew.

Then, like he was the one impaled, Merlin let out an animalistic, anguished sob. He wrenched the sword back, silver and scarlet glittering through the air as he threw it away from him violently, still trembling- barely holding himself together. For a weighted moment, the cat remained standing, then it simply fell to the forest floor.

Merlin stood above it for a moment. Shaking like a leaf, terror burning in his eyes behind the armies of tears coursing down his cheeks. Looking down at it.

Then he crumpled.

Crashed to ground, curling in on himself, hands going to his mouth like it could block the sobs shuddering through him, a terrible, inhuman cry escaping him.

Lancelot stood frozen locked in place by some unseen power. Unable to tear away. His blood ice, his heart still, his breath trapped.

Then the moment broke.

"Merlin-" he gasped, tossing his sword behind him and sprinting across the moss, falling at his friend's side.

"Merlin-" he reached out for the boy, and Merlin collapsed against him, sobbing heart-wrenching sobs.

" ...'m sorry… ' so sorry… 'm sorry…" Merlin whimpered. Inconsolable.

Lancelot understood. Poor, innocent Merlin who hated killing animals had been forced to slaughter one for his people, magic, and safety. Now the fear was overwhelming him.

Lancelot held him, enfolding him, protecting him. Merlin cried.

And cried.

And, after over an hour, cried himself to sleep.

Gwaine and Arthur gathered the supplies, cleaned the swords, readied the horses and the three knights took their friend home.

(now)

It's time. I've waited for so long. Let me go.

He realized he'd been here before. Tried to wake up but he was trapped.

Helpless.

Be happy. I love you. Always.

No. No. NoNoNoNoNoNonononononononono... please... not again...

He was at a unpassable fork-a gulf- and either way was death.

The attack was over in seconds.

But then the choice was made- fate sealed. Closed. Final.

The cheers of his friends clashed with the ripping of his heart. They surrounded him, but he was alone. Forever. Alone. Always.

Merlin wrenched awake, crashing into time, tears streaked down his cheeks as his chest spasmed, frigid air searing his lungs.

Desperately, he forages under his pillow, grabbing his journal, his other hand shooting out and snatching the ink and quill. Frantically, his tears making it impossible to see, his hands shaking so hard he splashed the ink all across himself, he attacks the first page he sees.

Freya,

I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry. I tried so hard but I failed. I'm a monster and I'm so sorry. I say I love you and then I go and I slaughter another of your kind. I'm no better than Arthur- no. I'm worse. Infinitely worse. I knew what I was doing and I did it anyway and I'm so sorry. The knights tell me I'm brave, they said it's okay to be scared, that I did amazing. I wish I could burn their words from my mind. They think I'm scared. All I could see as I stabbed him were your beautiful eyes blinking back at me. So scared…. I'm so sorry. There's no forgiveness.

He wasn't like you- I went inside his head to try and reason with him, he'd done it to himself- he did it to kill Arthur and I couldn't I'm so sorry. So many innocents- all for one man. It is my destiny to protect Arthur. I never realized I'd lose myself. I'm so sorry, My Love.

I'm sorry I couldn't find another way.

I'm sorry I killed him.

I'm sorry I let him kill you.

And what hurts, what burns so much hotter than the guilt, bleeds deeper than the grief- what **hurts so bad **is knowing you forgive me. You don't see there's anything forgive. My hands are stained bright red and you'll see only snow. You'll hold them. You'll say I did what I had to do. That it was noble. That it was good. That your proud.

And it hurts that you love a monster. You can't even see what I am, your so blinded.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry that I love you too.

That this monster is so broken and stupid and selfish that I can't won't pull away.

I'm sorry because as much as my soul screams for peace, as much as my heart is sobbing- bleeding to be with yours, I can't leave.

As much as I want to die, I have to stay.

I'm sorry because I have to choose my destiny so one day no thing will ever be slaughtered in ignorance again. So our people can be safe.

What happened to you will never happen again, I promise.

I'm a selfish, terrible monster.

There is so much blood on my hands.

So many wrong choices.

I'm so sorry.

I love you, and I'm so sorry for that too.

But I do. I have, I will.

Always.


	3. The Time No One Saves Him

_heshurt bleedingdYINgheneeeeds ive gOt tooo helpaloNE dyingNEedshavetfind_

(Same Time Camelot's Outskirts)

There was something gnawing in the back of his mind, a worm twisting in his gut, a feeling on the edge of defining, it was something important. But whatever it was was just out of his reach. Gwaine scowled. It was important! He knew it...

_Horse? Check._

_Apple bag? Check._

_Firey spirits? Check._

That was everything! It was all there- wait…

"Percy, you've still got the King?" Gwaine called from the back of the formation. Percival, who rode the horse charging ahead, gave no response, too far gone to hear. But Leon turned back and glared sternly.

"Gwaine, the King is dying! This hardly the time for your jests!"

_Dying Princess? Check._

That was everything important.

Right?

Gwaine mentally shrugged the strange something away, pressing his knees ever so slightly harder into the horse's side.

"Hang in there, Princess, we're almost home...just hold on…"

Beyond Gwaine's impeccible hearing, Arthur whimpered in response.

"You couldn't have picked a better time to die, Princess."

Arthur lay still beneath Gwaine, his eyes closed loosely, his face, for once, relaxed. Almost tranquile. So pale and still Gwaine would've actually thought him dead if it hadn't been for the rattling sound that wheezed out of him every time his reluctant chest fell.

Gwaine's heart twitched in silent relief as he watched the King painfully inhale once again. Alive.

"I mean it, seriously. Morgana's dead. Gwen's already Queen so there won't be a messy uprising. You've spent so much time pawing her the whole heir thing should be taken care of-"

"Gwaine!" The good Queen across him gasped, but it sounded more like a surpressed chuckle. He looked up at her, the soft part of him he mentally refered to as Merlin warming at the sight of Gwen, dressed in her regal purple skirts, uncaring of the scarlet staining them, kneeling at Arthur's bedside, pressing a wet cloth to his burning forehead.

Gwaine smiled back, despite the worry gnawing in his stomach and the feeling of something missing twisting in his head. If she could smile than he had better plaster one of his own.

"You're obviously already aware, M'lady. But anyway, Princess, you've got your beautiful terror coming, so the future of Camelot will be secure for many years after the sickening boring peace drives our fair Gwen to retirement. And you've got the best Knights in the world- ahem, yours truly - so things won't fall into complete caos-"

"This is your idea of convincing me to stay?" A husky voice croaked beneath them, barely audible at all- but they heard it.

Gwaine snapped his eyes to Arthur's face, a grin stretching across his face as he saw the parchment pale lids had opened and glazed blue was slowly blinking up at them, if furrowed slightly in confusion.

"No 'we need you, Arthur, there's so much left and only you can do it for us' or a 'please, we're helpless without you, we wouldn't know what to do' or even an 'Arthur, I love you and I couldn't bear to breath a moment without you and if you die you might as well plunge the dagger into my chest because I won't live without you'..." Arthur's words were breathless and ragged, in the end trailing off into nothing, but their hearts exploded with relief.

"Sorry Princess, I think I'd plunge a dagger in my chest before I ever told you I love you."

"Arthur- your awake! Oh, I'm so glad your okay-"

The relief that shook Gwen's voice flooded through Gwaine. He grinned at the two of them, unable to stop himself.

The strange feeling- the one he only got when wisky buzzed through his veins - that same strange feeling charged through him now, lifting him- making him feel almost tipsy.

Which was strange. Because for once in his life, sobriety was coursing in his blood.

At least, he thought it was.

That's not drink you idiot, the Mind Merlin scoffed, grinning smugly. It's love.

Gwaine shoved the strange mental image away.

Honestly. Love. Love meant attachment. Strings. Chains.

And nothing was going to hold Gwaine down.

He could stroll out those gates any time he wanted.

He just didn't feel like it yet.

But when he did- he was as free as a bird.

"No your not," Arthur mumbled, slowly, painfully twisting his head around to look up into his wife's relieved gaze, a pout still twisting his lips.

Gwaine started. Did Arthur just hear my thoughts?

"You told me to go ahead and die- marrying me was just a-" Oh. No. He was talking to Gwen. Arthur drew a shaky breath, wincing as though a knife rippled through him. Which , Gwaine thought, glancing at the King's tightly wrapped midriff, is probably fairly accurate.

"...Clever ruse…" he huffed his eyes shining brighter, more glazed. He closed them, his face twisting with pain. Coherency swiftly abandoning him. Gwen held his hand tightly in hers, bringing it to her lips before resting her cheek against it and looking down at him with such a deep love burning in her eyes that Gwaine felt his cheeks flush- Maiden's Legs! He wasn't some little child to sqawk at the sight of affection- but the love between them seemed so strong- so sacred- so… intimate that he couldn't help but blush.

"It's alright, Arthur, rest. Gaius'll be back any minute, he's gone to fetch the herbs for your stomach-" Gwen murmured, light dancing in her eyes. Arthur huffed again, seeming to lack the energy for anything else.

"Not sleepy… bed's a rock…" he trailed off again, the energy too much.

Gwaine, his embarassment going as quickly as it had come, grinned. The Merlin inside of him warming and smiling at the sight of the Princess safe.

Merlin tended to worry about that sort of thing. It was perfectly natural his Mental Merlin did the same.

Because Mental Merlin's were perfectly natural things.

Everyone should have one. It was like having a good, bossy little person in your heart telling you what you should do. Like a- a…

Well, a Mental Merlin, obviously.

The concern and this strange dizzying relief were all Mental Merlin's fault.

"I'm sure Merlin will be ecstatic to hear you think so, Princess..." Gwaine began, frowning slightly and trailing off as the something attacked him again- near barreling him over with it's ferocity. It burned inside his head, wriggled in his heart, every fiber of his being suddenly seeming to scream wrong.

"Seeing how he lent it to you and…" he trailed off again as the wrong intensified, writhing within him. He scowled, attacking his sentence in his head- as he tried to remember what in Maiden's Shapely Silky Legs was wrong.

What had he said? He'd said nothing!

Nothing at all except teasing Arthur about Merlin-

The burning soothed. Calmed within him. Loosening the vice-like grip on his heart, leaving his mind suddenly silent.

Merlin?

Merlin was wrong?

But no- that couldn't be it!

The wrong feeling had gotten mixed up somewhere.

Merlin was the most right thing on earth!

It wasn't possible! Merlin was fine- worried to death about Arthur, that was why he'd given his-

Merlin had given his bed.

Gwaine could see it so clearly in his head- Merlin's eyes wide and wild with worry, his mouth pinched, jaw locked as he held his emotions in, the tightness in his shoulders and the shaking in his voice a further testament to his panic as he selflessly offered up his bed with it's proximity to Gaius for his King.

Gwaine could see it clearly!

Only… he couldn't remember it...

But he hadn't invented it! He wasn't crazy!

...Right...?

No- no! They'd brought Merlin home- of course they hadn't left him!- that was absurd! He remembered it clearly! They'd had everything on the important list!

The horse. The apple bag banging against his hip. The wiskey sloshing in it's flask hanging from his neck. The dying Princess. And Merlin . Of course Merlin!

No. The feeling of wrong evaperated. Leaving Gwaine an empty shell. Hollow. Merlin hadn't been on the Important list.

A knowing feeling twisting in his gut. He felt sick.

He hadn't remembered Merlin.

He'd forgotten him.

"...that's good of him..." The most good man in the world.

"...sleepin' on the floor..." The cold, filthy cave.

"...not fair... we coul' share..." Alone.

"Arthur, I don't think Merlin's bed is quite big enough to share. But we'll find him something-" Forgotten.

"...our's big enough... could sleep with you..." Alone.

"I imagine if you were slightly more aware you'd have a few problems with that, but it's a very sweet idea. You should rest now, my Love. Everything's alright."

The world fell apart. Shattered. Alone. Forgotten on the cold stone.

The most good man in the entire world.

And Gwaine had abandoned him.

"Percy?! Percival! Lance- Leon- anyone! Elyan? Percy! " Gwaine's bellows hitched up to hysteria as he barreled through the halls. His panicked words onimnous echos and wild ferocity in his eyes sent servants spinning away as he charged through them.

"Gwaine?"

"Is the King alright?! He's not-" Percival's low rumble and Elyan's soft lilt pierced through the disjointed thoughts tumbling about in Gwaine's head. Dragging him back into reality. He spun around to find ebony and ivory skin, plainclothes, and chocolate and umber eyes looked back at him. Gwaine saw it all, their tight face, the worry twisting beneath the fire in their eyes, their set jaws, hands reaching for their sides- he saw it all.

But the only thing he registered was Percival's rippling unprotected muscles.

"Oh thank Heavens- yes! Just the man I need- quickly!- he's hurt, or he would've been back by now and I don't know if he'll be stable enough for the horse, so you might have to carry him, twenty miles shouldn't be a problem though- but c'mon! We've got to hurry- it'll probably be snowing again by the time we find him- and Mordred said she's dead but we left him with her corpse! Her corpse! She used to be his friend! Of all the- hurry up! We've got the get there before he wakes up - oh heaven's: if he wakes up! He'll think we've left him for dead!-" Gwaine's heart thudded against the iron chains encasing it- beating in time with the thoughts that had been tearing about inside of his head as they tumbled through his lips.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid! I left him! I left him! The most pure thing in the entire world and I abandoned him!

"I'm so stupid! He never would've left me- any of us! He would have remembered us the instant he made his list of important things! Every one of us would've been on it! He should have been the first on it! Above the horse and the apples and that stupid wiskey- he should've been first!-"

He was facing the hall again.

But it was passing him by. He heard the clatter of boots on cobblestone but he couldn't understand it- too consumed with the fire raging in his head. It crawled in his stomach, pulsed through his-thank-whatever-entity-lived-above-sober blood.

If he hadn't been-!

Gwaine shuddered at the image of a mound of scarlet snow being brushed away to reveal his best friend as white as a heard the snow that crunched under his feet as he desperately charged to save the man who was already dead.

No! No! You'll find him- he's going to be okay! Your going to get there on time- you'll save him. Mental Merlin soothed, a candle nearly suffocating in the dark of his heart, trying vainly to spread it's warmth. Gwaine shook his head, fervently. Stupid Mental Merlin. This was all Gwaine's fault.

His stupidity had almost cost Merlin his life- it still could!

And if he'd been drunk right now-

He was never drinking again.

There was resistance behind him. Pulling him back. But the clanging of boots on stone pressed forward, undaunted. Something soft was in his fist. Strange. He'd thought his pummel was hard. He glanced down at it to find pale blue cloth. He couldn't understand it. Blurs of colors, fragments of sounds, the beating of his heart- thick in his ear all crashed into him- drowning each other out so he could hear nothing at all.

"Gwaine? Stop!"

"What's wrong? What are you talking about- is it Arthur? Slow down! Gwaine- Gwaine?! Percival, stop him-"

The words were nonsense -pointless- meaningless. But then the resistance stopped resisting and simply stopped. Gwaine hadn't realized he'd been moving till he wasn't.

He spun around to face whatever had stopped him- but colors blurred and the world tilted on it's axis.

Down down down

CRACK!

A charcoal fist crashed into Gwaine's nose. Pain lanced through him, shocking his mind from it's desperate spiral- as his nose crunched sickeningly and blood poured down his lips.

The force of the punch sent him staggering backward, his boot tripping on his cape and down he started again- but Percival's hand struck out and snatched his arm, yanking him upright and steadying him.

"Thanks." He huffed. The Giant nodded, his brows furrowed over worried eyes.

Gwaine didn't bother trying to cup or stop the blood. He had more important things to do. His head was finally clear and the thrumming of his pulse promised he'd be ready for whatever he had to face to save Merlin.

"Sir Elyan- did you just punch Gwaine?!" A familiar british broque questioned incredulously.

"I'm sorry- I'm sorry! But he's going crazy and he keeps saying we have to hurry, and if it's something important-"

"Of course it's important-!" Gwaine exclaimed.

"Gwaine!"

"Sir Gwaine!"

Gwaine didn't realize he'd grabbed Elyan's shoulders to punctuate his statement until he saw Percival step forward to pull him off. He ignored the Giant. He was back in control and this was blinking important!

"It's Merlin!"

The chocolate eyes only a breath away clouded in confusion. Percival's narrowed as he tried to understand. And for a second Gwaine wanted to punch them.

Didn't they see how important this was?!

"Merlin!" He shouted again, his voice hitching up toward hysteria again.

But it was Leon who realized, his voice thick with guilt.

"We left him."

Pandemonium.

If later questioned, the cook would say she'd never seen the meat and mead loving Gwaine grab such tame and mild soups as seriously as he had today. The Armoury Keeper had never seen weapons of destruction seized with such a deadly look in the usually gentle giant's eyes. The Stable Boy would swear he'd never seen anybody prepare horses at the speed the head knight did. Gwenevere had never been so worried, despite her husband beside her, then when Elyan had tore through the infirmary, grabbing every emergency healing thing in sight.

And the Guards at the Gate had never felt such sympathy for whoever those knights were going out to face.

Gwaine had been greatfull and devestated when it had started to snow.

Greatful the the biting cold kept him awake and alert, stopped him from slipping back into the wild, uncontrollable panic bubbling within him, threatening to burst free at any moment. Devestated because Merlin was hurt -possibly dying- and the frigid cold could only encourage his deteriorating condition.

But they'd been traveling for hours, and there was only so long cold could combat his racing mind- contain the panic threatening to spill out of him.

No. He had to keep it together.

For Merlin.

For Merlin.

Merlin.

But as the horses continued step after racing step, the proof of how far they'd come being blanketed the second it appeared. Like it'd never existed at they were forever trapped at the begining. Like every stride, every mile, was pointless. Merlin was years away- a lifetime ago- slipping past. Going. Going. Gone.

He felt himself starting to spiral again down down down out of control- too fast to stop.

No! He had to keep it together.

For Merlin.

For Merlin…

Oh spades, he had to keep it together…

He needed something to pull him back- to ground him.

What would ground him when his anchor was dead?

No. He would't- he couldn't -

Gwaine wouldn't let him.

Gwaine would save him.

He needed something- anything- to help stay in the moment, in time.

But his horse charged ahead, leaving the others far behind in his reckless chase.

And the Princess he always argued with when he began to spiral was oblivious miles behind.

And the man who always calmed was worlds ahead.

He'd going to be okay. Your going to save him and he'll be safe and he'll be okay and happy. Your going to get there in time- your going to save him. Your not going to fail him!

His Mind Merlin- the part of him that really wasn't Merlin but spoke sense in a way that certainly didn't come from Gwaine, promised fervantly inside him.

It was a flickering candle- but despite the winds howling and twisting and the storm cracking within his heart- it still burned.

"How do you know?" Gwaine whispered aloud, his words lost in the whipping wind. It was snowing harder than he'd thought. Maybe he'd been slipping away longer than he realized.

Because he's never failed you.

And the candle seemed to be stronger, brighter. And Gwaine forced himself to let it fill him, stole a freezing breath and willed his heart to slow, his pulse to steady.

Mind Merlin was absolutely right- he couldn't afford to believe anything else.

So Gwaine squared his shoulders, kicked his mare to impossible speeds, and did the only thing he ever did to calm himself.

"So, Merlin, did I ever tell you about the time I woke up naked in a dog's bed-"

It turned out even knights bundled up in plain clothes, full armour, and thick, woolen Camelot cloaks could numb and slowly shut down in the biting winds whipping into them as they raced through the open fields.

Hours ago Gwaine had worried about what this terrible twist in fate meant for his dying friend.

But hypothermia has a powerful way of making people- even noble knights people forget important things.

"An-an-an...d… she w-w-as….. Thri-trill-...frill…"

He didn't know who he was talking too.

Or what he was saying.

Or why it was important.

But it was.

Important.

Right?

…

Right...?

Something twisted in his heart- something he didn't understand. He felt like he should've- like he had. A lifetime ago. But now it was burried. Miles beneath the snow- the ice encasing his heart.

So easy to ignore.

Just a speck of… something in a world of cold. Of white.

It was all around him.

Enfolding him.

Protecting him.

Welcoming him into it's warm embrace.

It was warm now.

Warm and comforting.

Secure.

Safe.

He could stay forever.

He would stay. He would…

"-stay with me, Gwaine, just stay with me- your going to be fine, please -!" The voice interrupted the peaceful silence, sparking the something within him. It sounded worried, desperate. He wanted to help. Didn't the voice know he was okay? He was so safe… so warm…

"-just hang on, stay with me- oh please Gwaine -" The voice sounded so heartbroken. Gwaine wished the poor soul would understand. He was warm. He was safe. They just had to

"...stay…." he breathed, turning to the light. Light. Warmth. White.

Black.

Pain.

But not in his head.

He wasn't hungover?

If so this was the worst he'd ever been- his entire being from his nose down to his toes burned.

Fire pumped through his veins.

Searing.

But he was cold.

So cold.

The fire and cold was gone. Replaced with aches rolling over his entire body in waves. A moan slipped from his throat and then he was gone again.

Warmth. Gentle, featherlike touches across his forehead.

"Sleep, Gwaine. Your safe."

Safe.

Warm.

He slept.

He smelled food. Meat of some sort. Bacon? He loved bacon. Someone was making him bacon. How sweet. Most women wanted nothing to do with him when the sun rose. He pulled open his eyes- where they always this heavy?- and frowned. His woman was a man. A man with grey hair and an arching eyebrow above blue grey eyes. He blurred slightly and Gwaine blinked. When he opened his eyes again, his mind finally caught up with what he was seeing. Gaius.

"Oh…"

"I'll be with you in a moment, Sir Gwaine." Gaius chuckled softly from before the fire in the room past the open door. The infirmary, he realized.

"Ah, nice of you to join the land of the living, Sir Gwaine. "

The words, which came from somewhere to his right, were pleasant- until the end.

His name was said with a quiet deadliness.

Gwaine frowned. He knew that voice… he twisted and blinked in confusion. There, sitting in a wooden chair beside his bed, shirtless, and wrapped tightly in bandages, smiling down at him with a hard steel in his eyes, was the King.

"Ah, good morning Princess. What are you doing in my corner of the world?" Gwaine asked, his voice rough and raspy. A frog's croak.

"It was my corner of the world before you invaded it." Arthur said conversationally, leaning back slowly, so as not to bump his injuries. But even that seemed deadly.

Gwaine frowned. What did Arthur mean? And why did he seem to want to watch Gwaine suffer? What had he done? And why was he in bed when Arthur was injured? Was that why Arthur's panties were in a twist? Was he in Arthur's bed when he was supposed to be-

" Merlin! " Gwaine shouted, eyes bulging, tearing upwards.

Merlin. Alone. Cave. Hurt. Dying. Snow. Freezing. Frozen. Dying. Dead.

"Ah, I see you've realized the problem." Arthur said icily.

No. No. Nononononononononononononono….

Not Merlin.

No!

He'd failed. He'd abandoned the best thing in the world and he'd died. Cold. Alone.

Dead.

"Arthur- what's wrong with him?" Someone gasped. Gwen, Gwaine realized faintly. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

Merlin was dead.

"He remembers that they abandoned Merlin." Arthur said easily.

Abandoned. Alone. Dead.

"And you didn't tell him?!"

Dead.

"I saw no reason too. I think he needs to realize the gravity of the situation."

Gravity. Dead.

He'd always thought love was a chain, and iron lock pinning him down, capturing him against his will.

But it wasn't.

It was gravity. Pulling him to the earth. An anchor from drifting lost and alone.

A lifeline from drowning in life's gripping depths.

Dead.

The only thing- the only person that had ever been his gravity. His anchor. His lifeline- was dead.

Gone.

And it was all his fault.

"Arthur! Look at him!"

All his fault.

"I-"

"You'd better be ashamed of yourself! Putting him in this state!"

He didn't realize his shoulders were shaking until a gentle hand pressed on them.

He didn't realize he was gasping for air until a soothing voice whispered he wasn't breathing.

He didn't realize he was sobbing until featherlike fingers wiped the tears away.

"Shh, everything alright. Merlin's alive- he's safe- he's right here, he's home. Your alright, Gwaine. I promise. Everything's fine-"

Gwaine didn't understand.

Merlin was dead. They'd gone to find him and he was

...alive?

"He's alive, I promise. He's right here- sound asleep. He's alive-"

Alive. Alive. Breathing. A heart beating in his chest. Air filling his lungs. Sweet, beautiful blood pulsing through his veins- alive!

"Sire- what have you done to my patient?!"

"I didn't mean too! I only thought-"

"He thought he'd tell him his best friend died. Like he enjoys sleeping alone at night-"

"Gwen-!"

"Sire-!"

Gwaine tuned them out, tearing open the eyes he hadn't realized he'd shut, blinking rapidly, trying to clear his tears away so he could see. His pulse thrummed to the beat of the one thought marching in his head.

Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive.

The candle, that pathetic flickering glow grew, swelled within his breast until it filled his entire heart, warming him to his tips in a way nothing he'd ever experienced had.

Alive!

His eyes cleared, he searched, past the plain clothes and the face they belonged to surrounding his bed. He looked out of the room, Merlin's room, he realized, searching into the Infirmary beyond.

His eyes widened with surprise.

The room, lit by the soft, cheerful, glow of the fireplace, was littered with the bodies of his comrades.

No, he realized immediately, thankfully before he could panic again. Their asleep.

His eyes darted across the room, scanning, searching. Taking in the whole picture while searching for the most important piece.

Leon, a red blanket draped over him was curled upon the medicine table. His chest rising and falling slowly. Across from him, back against a wall, his head resting on a pillow atop three large books was Percival. Curly black hair that could only be Elyan's peeped out of the scarlet mound of blankets smushed against Percival's stomach. Their breathing deep and in sync with the other. Lancelot, the only one not burrowed in a pile of red, sat on a three-legged stool, his elebow on his knee and his chin in his hand, snoring softly.

And- there! Merlin! Stretched flat on his back on Gauis's cot in the corner closest to the fire, all but his moon-white face encased in thick blankets that moved up and down slowly. Soothingly.

Alive! He's alive!

Gwaine's heart filled with unexplainable joy and he fell back against his pillows, suddenly exausted.

Brothers dying and then coming back could be so draining.

"Princess...? I hate you." Gwaine mumbled breathlessly, closing his eyes eyes and exhaling heavily, the grief rolling off of him in dizzying waves.

"Just imagine how I feel about the men who abandoned my brother." Arthur said coldly. Gwaine hummed slightly in response, not needing to open his eyes to see the daggers the Physician glared at the King.

"Arthur," Gwenever sighed heavily.

"What?" He challenged, a darkness in his tone Gwaine hadn't heard since Morgana's betreyal.

"Just… maybe now's not the best time."

"Are you saying-"

"I'm not saying anything except we nearly lost them. Not just Merlin. All of them." Merlin's bed groaned and her skirts rustled and then she was gone, bustling about the Infirmary, taking care of the others, Gwaine assumed.

"Gaius, can you help me-" She called softly. Gwaine wasn't fooled. She wanted to leave him and Arthur alone.

Gaius cleared his throat.

"Right, of course, M'lady." He shuffled away to join her, out of earshot.

They sat in silence for a moment.

Gwaine felt himself stabilizing. His pulse stopped threading and slowed, the pounding of his heart eased. Breath slid in and out of his lungs slowly.

Merlin was alive. Gravity held to the earth- centered him.

But how?

"What happened?" He asked softy, still keeping his eyes closed.

"Before or after you left him for dead?" Arthur's words cut, but he said them softly. Guiltily.

He didn't need to feel guilty.

Gwaine deserved his wrath.

He'd almost let his best friend die.

"After."

"He saved you." Gwaine opened his eyes and twisted his head so could Arthur.

"He saved us?" Gwaine echoed, surprised.

How did he save them when he was dying in a cave?!

Arthur nodded, and his eyes softened slightly, the ice melted a bit.

"After you four idiots left in an unprepared panic, you got caught in the snow. It became a storm, than a blizzard." Gwaine remembered it now. The white. The cold. He shivered unconsciously.

"Merlin, meanwhile, had woken up, heavily concussed and alone ," Arthur said bitingly, his eyes hardening for an instant before they glanced back at Gwaine beneath him and they softened again. He sighed and continued.

"He stayed in the cave to wait out the storm when he saw you imbeciles staggering about in circles not twenty feet away from the mouth, mumbling on idiotically, freezing to death." Arthur's expression softened again.

"He dragged you inside and did his best to warm you and keep you alive. Then when the storm calmed he tied all of you to the two horses he'd been able to save, and, still heavily concussed and despite the frigid cold killing him led you all back to Lancelot's patrol just leaving Camelot." Gwaine's eyes widened.

The cold had nearly taken them, even as bundled up as they were, how had Merlin- with only his neckercheif and his fragile coat managed to survive?

"How-?"

"Sheer determination, we think." Arthur said, his tone quiet again. Awed.

"Lancelot says as soon as Merlin recognised him he collapsed. They dragged all of you back. Elyan and Percival weren't too hard to warm up. Leon developed a small fever. But your heart stopped just as we brought you here," he trailed off, pain lancing beneath the cracking steel in his eyes, "and Merlin… we lost him three times. We thought… and even after he stabilized, Gaius was sure we'd have to amputate- all those hours walking the snow…" Arthur's voice cracked and he shook the memory away, shoving the pain out of his eyes and snapping them back to meet Gwaine's.

"Anyway, we restarted both of you. You've been lazing about and Merlin's been recovering ever since."

Any other time Gwaine would've protested that both of them being unconcious after almost dying qualifying Merlin as recovering and him lazying about- but his heart couldn't.

All he could hear were Arthur's words echoing in his mind.

We lost him three times.

We lost him three times.

Three times.

Lost-

"Gwaine! Sir Gwaine- snap out of it! If you lose control again my wife will kill me!" Arthur hissed, pulling him back into time. He blinked stupidly at the King.

Arthur saw the self hatred in his lost eyes and his expression softened. His eyes warming the way they only did for Gwenevere and Merlin.

"Gwaine, he's alright. He's safe."

"I left him-" Gwaine began raggedly but the King interrupted.

"And he's going to be okay. He's safe. And your safe. And trust me when I say you shall be punished to within a inch of death." Arthur's said seriously, but then his eyes warmed again and he sighed heavily. Leaning forward slowly -painfully- he put his hand on Gwaine's shoulder. Gwaine looked up at it, and then at his King.

"Princess, I'm flattered, but-"

"Shut up." Arthur snapped back without missing a beat.

"Gwaine. I'm not pleased you forgot Merlin. I'm livid."

Gwaine's head fell in shame. He'd left him. He'd left him and because he'd left him, Merlin had almost died. And even as he was dying Merlin had saved him- the man who'd abandoned him! Tears burned in Gwaine's eyes. Merlin…

"Hey-" Arthur shook him, dragging him from the pit that was his mind. "I'm livid you left him- but- " Gwaine looked up, shocked. How on earth could there be a but? He'd left their brother to die!

"-I'm proud you went after him. You bravely stupidly continued to try to save him at a risk to your own lives. I commend that you didn't give up in correcting your wrongs- even to the point of no return. And I'm glad your alive." Arthur smiled, his eyes burning with sincerity.

Gwaine smiled too. Broken. Healing.

Merlin was alive.

"That being said, when Gaius lets you free I'm going to dangle you naked, by your toes above a Wilderren den and let them eat you until-"

Everything was going to be okay.

The world outside the window was dark when Merlin wakes. The room echoes with the soft sighs and snores of the knights- the men he'd thought friends.

The men that had forgotten him.

A sob tore at his throat.

He twists to the shelf behind Gaius's cot, fumbling in the darkness until his hands grip the old leather book -hidden in plain sight- and small ink pot. He stifles his cries in his fist as he scrambles beneath his pillow for the quill.

Shut up- shut up! They don't deserve to hear your stupid sobs. They all almost died! They almost died going back for his worthless skin and now he was going to ruin their healing!

He unbinds the book, searching through it's inked pages desperately. Tears filling in his eyes dashing down his cheeks. He bites hard on his knuckles, choking back the sounds as he shoulders quake.

He reaches the next empty page- only it's not.

Golden letters he never wrote scream up at him.

heshurt bleedingdYINgheneeeeds ive gOt tooo helpaloNE dyingNEedshavetfind

He'd never written them but it was his writing.

But how is it gold? Ink is black. Unless…

Magic?

But how-

Oh.

For a moment, the realization pulls him out of time, he forgets.

But then reality's back, laughing in his face, twisting it's cruel knife into his heart.

Fresh sobs wracking him, biting so hard on his fist he tasted blood, he frantically stabbed the quill into the ink and at attacked the space below the fragmented message.

Freya,

I write in my sleep now. I'm sorry that such incoherent stupidity ruins your letter. You don't deserve it.

I was writing about Arthur- he was dying. He was dying and it was all my fault. I should have stopped Morgana- I should have saved him. But I was weak and she overpowered me. The knights had to fix my mistake- they had to do what I should have done and raced him home.

He could have died!

The Once and Future King- the man destined to save all of our Kind!

To free us and bring peace and safety to Avalon- he almost died!

Hundreds, thousands, millions of our kind- dead.

Hunger and hatred ruling the land!

Children up late at night afraid because they can hear their mother's tears. Mothers and Sisters and Wives, widows and alone- clinging to their Son's and Brother's and Husband's armour like it'll bring them back.

All because I was too weak to protect him.

But it's worse than that, Freya. It's so much worse.

Because the Knights realized they'd left me behind- they went after me!

Their goodness- their nobility- their belief that every life is worth saving sent them unprepared into the snow.

They didn't realize that I am worth nothing.

I almost killed them all! I was too weak to protect them and I allowed them to twist themselves into thinking they're supposed to protect me.

I'm so stupid- I should have been stronger! They needed me to be stronger and I failed.

It no wonder they left me.

Who could blame them?

It was because of my carelessness they had to charge back to Camelot to save Arthur. I deserved to be left. I almost killed the king!

But

I'd just always thought they didn't see me that way.

I thought they saw me better

A better man- a good man. A man worth something. I know I'm not- I know I never should have thought- But I always thought maybe they thought I was worth saving

I failed. I failed and the King almost died. And the Knights almost lost their lives trying to give me redemption.

But you can't give the murderer of nations redemption, Freya.

You can't redeem an empty shell with the blood of children staining his fingers.

It's already started Freya- it's not nations yet, but I will fail and then they'll all bleed.

So many already stain me. So many I should have saved...

Nimueh.

Will.

Balinor.

Uther.

You.

Now I'm just a shell carrying the souls I stole on my shoulders.

It would be kind to let you go. But I can't. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry my heart can't just yours. I'm sorry that it's burdened with them too.

I'm sorry that it's going to fill with more of them.

More people I won't be able to save.

I can feel the time in the hourglass slipping past- there's only a few grains left.

When the sands end I'll fail.

Maybe I should kill myself now- save all the people I'm going to kill.

I should.

I want to.

But you deserve to live on. You deserve the life I stole from you.

And I can't give it back. I'm so sorry.

I'd give the breath in my chest for you to see just one more lake. To breath one more breath. To taste one last strawberry.

But I can't.

I stole your lasts from you.

All I can do is lock you selfishly in my heart and carry you with me.

And try to save as many as I can- try to protect them.

I know I'll fail.

I know that now.

I'll fail and Arthur will die.

But I have to try-

For you, My Love.

I'm so sorry.

But I'll carry you with me.

Always.


	4. The Time He Couldn't Forget

**The Time He Couldn't Forget And They Couldn't Forgive**

It'd a been a year since she'd traded aprons for silk. A year since she'd slept on straw instead of downy pillows. A year since her hair had been thrown up in hasty tails, instead of immaculately twisted underneath a crown. A year since her place had been at the Physician's side instead of the King's. But if Arthur thought that would stop her from going to do whatever she could for the village, then her husband was in for a shock.

"- if Gaius would let me come with you, then I wouldn't protest. But I can't let the Queen of Camelot go frollicing about unprotected-" Arthur protested from beyond the white changing screen shielding Gwen as she pulled the fitted fur vest over her white tailored tunic. Gwen's lips twisted up in a smile as she remembered the day she'd realized Merlin was acostumed to barging into Arthur's chambers whenever he felt like it. She'd never seen him flush such a Camelot red before and within ten minutes of the incident a changing screen had become a permenate resident in the King and Queen's chambers.

"Guinevere, are you even listening to me?" Arthur asked sounding slightly miffed. His voice drew her from her thoughts and it took her a moment to realize what he'd said.

"Yes, Arthur. Of course I am." She said loyally- laughing softly as he huffed in irritation.

"No your not…"

"Yes I am. And it's hardly unprotected- your sending the entire Round Table with him." She bent down and began to lace up her riding boots.

"Because he's going to a village that is being attacked by something we don't understand and have virtually no way to fight against-" Arthur exclaimed, his worry bleeding into his voice.

"Arthur, that village happens to be my childhood home."

"I know that. That's why we're sending-"

Gwen, fully decent, stepped out from behind the screen to see her husband sitting at the edge of their bed, his bare chest tightly wrapped in the familiar white bandages, brows furrowed over worried eyes.

They widened slightly as he saw her- then they softened, and his mouth quirked into a smile.

"You look beautiful." Her heart warmed and she shook her head slightly.

"Arthur, you're delerious on pain potions. I'm in the clothes I wore almost five years ago when we went after Merlin to Eeldore."

"And you look just as breathtaking as you did then-" his voice sounded sincere, and he gazed up at her with such awe burning in her eyes that she felt her cheeks flush red enough to rival Merlin's from all those years ago. His eyes made her feel like the most precious thing in the world.

"Arthur…" she walked over to him, cupping his face and titling it up to her. She bent down and pressed her forehead to his. He smiled, leaning into her, pressing sweet, longing lips to hers, and she gave hers to him, kissing his gently. After a timeless moment, she pulled back. He grunted in displeasure even as he gasped raggedly for breath, leaning in again persistently. She laughed and succommed. For a breath all that existed was them- not a King and Queen- but two lovers whose whole world was the other-

_Crash! _

A loud clatter, a resounding thud, and the distinct sound of shattering glass.

They jumped apart-how long had she been on his lap? She needed to keep focused or she'd never get it from him!- both swiviling to the still shut oak doors.

"Ow! Next time you charge the blinking thirty pound door- _turn the sparking handle!" _

"Merlin! Get out!" Arthur bellowed, grabbing her pillow behind him and chucking it at the door.

A moment of silence, then:

"Sorry, Gwen." Arthur's face morphed from irritation to rightous indignation.

"Sorry _Gwen?! _"

Gwen laughed. "It's alright, Merlin- you can come in."

The door opened and Merlin, with what looked to be stew in his hair and pudding splattered on his shirt, peered in, his cheeks flaming as he caught sight of their position.

"No he can't- no you can't- Merlin!-" Arthur's indignant face swung from the door to her and back to the door again.

"Hush, don't mind him." She scolded gently, the words for both of them. She cupped Arthur's face and pulled him to her, kissing him coaxingly- and he responded eagerly.

Oh. He was warm and his lips tasted sweet- no! _Focus, Gwen! _

"Gross…" Merlin mumbled across the room. Arthur growled and attacked her lips more feircly, determined to make his servant as uncomfortable as possible.

"I don't see why… your even… cleared… hypothermia… is worse… than…" Arthur mumbled breathlessly to Merlin against her cheek.

"Being stabbed?" Merlin questioned innocently- Arthur growled again, his chest rumbling beneath her hands.

Sparks, she'd have to work harder with their best friend distracting him.

"Arthur?" Gwen gasped.

"Hmmn?" He mumbled against her. Perfectly distracted.

She leaned in closer, one hand fisting in his blond hair, the other reaching behind him and snatching the sheafed dagger he'd tried to hide from her. She kissed him feircly for an instant before pulling back, firmly backing away despite his groping arms.

His eyes tore open as she tied the sheaf to her belt.

"I'm going."

"Mate, it's not your fault. There's nothing you could've done against magic." It was Sir Gwaine this time. In the few hours since they'd begun charging for Camelot they'd all tried. But every one of their attempts just seemed to send Merlin further and further into himself.

Gwen glanced behind from her spot of presteige leading the way, hope sparking faintly in her heart- perhaps Gwaine could shake the poor man out it.

But Merlin seemed to shrink even further inwards, looking down despite Sir Gwaine's worried eyes and kind smile, mumbling agreement he clearly didn't feel. Sir Gwaine's eyes darkened with disapointment and Gwen couldn't contain the sigh that escaped her as she turned around and stared unseeingly at the passing green ahead, her mind flitting through thoughts and questions like a humming bird's unseen wings.

_Surely he realizes this isn't his fault? Not even Arthur could've done anything! Only Gaius's knowledge- of course! This is his first assignment without Gaius. Gaius sent him with his faith , assured him he'd do well and now he thinks he's failed and he feels like he's disapointing him! Gaius is the only Father he knows- of course he's upset! _ Relief burned in her heart, she understood! And now she knew how to help-

"Merlin-" she started, twisting around, her sentence already firming up in her mind, when Elyan from beside her called out over her:

"There's something ahead-" She whipped her head around, her eyes immediately landing on the greys and blues littered amongst the splintered remains of what might've once been a wagon. Bodies.

Sir Leon's voice was hushed and low, but it carried to all of them.

"Halt and Dismount, Swords ready, Diamond Formation, the Queen and Merlin in the middle."

Gwen felt her heart begin to thrum in her chest as she pulled to a stop and kicked free of the stirrup, sliding the the moss, her hand going to the dagger at her side. There was a rustle of red cloaks and the whisper of swords on steel, then Elyan was beside her, grabbing her arm and pulling her behind him. All she could see was ruby cloaks surrounding her as the knights crept forward as one. Her breath escaped in little gasps as her eyes darted wildly- trying to see past the wall of scarlet. Trying to see the threat. She sensed someone looming behind her- someone had broken through! She gasped, gripped her dagger tightly, pushing it from herself as she spun, jabbing out at her attacker-

Merlin?

Her eyes registered black hair and startled blue eyes- but it was too late to stop her hand- _she was going to stab him! _But then the knife tipped out of her grasp, toppling to the moss below with a soft thud. It echoed in her ears- decibles over whatever Leon said. She froze and simply looked at it- unable to look away- horror blossoming in her stomach.

She'd almost stabbed him!

"Gwen? Gwen, are you alright?!" hands seized her shoulders- shaking firmly. Her eyes lifted, needing to see he was okay, searching his face desperately, her panic making his eyes seem to glint, but then she blinked and only concern shone in the cerulian orbs.

"I almost stabbed you-" she whispered breathlessly. She could hear rustling and voices, but they were far away, trivial compared to the dagger glinting innocently in the grass.

"Oh Gwen-" then he pulled her into him, holding her protectivly. And she clung to him- wrapping her arms tightly around his neck, burrowing her face into his shoulder. She could feel the course fabric beneath her, smell the strange mixture of herbs and hay with the metallic tint and the _undefinable something _ that was Merlin, she could hear his heart thrumming next against hers. He was okay. She hadn't stabbed him. He was okay.

"How on earth did I not stab you? I didn't realize until- it was too late to stop it…" she muttered into him and he laughed, the sound soothing her racing heart like a cooling balm to a sunburn.

"Gwen, Arthur needs to teach you how to handle a dagger better- imagine if I'd been an actual enemy and your only protection just toppled to the ground. You'd be a Queen in a lot of trouble." She laughed, and perhaps the serving girl she'd used to be would've been embarassed. But that serving girl had fancied Merlin, and the Queen was never embarassed by her brothers' teasings.

"Your Majesty, we've found something-" Sir Leon's voice finally cut through her shock and they pulled apart, twisting around to find the knights gathered some twenty paces away, looking down at something in the grass.

"Looks like I'll have to learn how to hold a dagger properly later." She smiled slightly, relief dawning in her heart when he smiled back. His eyes were alert and his shoulders squared, the accidental near stabbing seeming to have pulled him from his distress. Thank heavens something good came from it.

As if of one mind, they darted over to the knights, Gwen pulled to a stop beside her brother, her eyes landing on someone she hadn't anticipated. A small woman in the rags of a dress with limp grimy hair, a malnorished tightness to her skin, ropes strangling her raw wrists, and large, terrified, brown eyes darting about nervously.

"Everyone else is dead. Slavers, we think. She was probably their prisoner." Sir Leon said softly, senseing loudness might startle her.

Gwen's heart swelled with compassion and she slowly eased down to kneel on the damp ground. The girl flinched back into Sir Percival, her head whipping around to Gwen, her eyes bulging.

"I'm not going to hurt you-" Gwen assured quickly, keeping her voice low and gentle.

"I'm not going to hurt you, I promise. My name's Gwen- what's yours, love?" The woman's lips trembled and she trembled against Sir Percival. The gentle Giant frowned and tightened his arms around her.

"L-Lamia."

Gwen smiled encouragingly, slowly reaching out her hands- Lamia's eyes tracked them warilly.

"That's a lovely name, don't worry Lamia, your safe. I just want to help you- let me get these ropes off-" Her hands gingerly encased Lamia's, and the girl startled but didn't pull away.

Gwen smiled as she gently moved to work on the knots.

Merlin bent down beside her, reaching out his hand for the girl's other hand.

"Hello, Lamia, these big blokes won't hurt you, I swear, their knights of Camelot- you're safe now-" he began but stopped when Lamia's eyes bulged and she flinched back against Sir Percival- cowering into him.

"Whoa, whoa- it's okay, Lamia, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm a healer-" Merlin soothed pulling back and holding his hands up in surrender. But it didn't matter. Lamia's eyes filled with tears and she twisted away from him, whimpering, shuddering into Sir Percival.

Sir Percival wrapped his arms around her tightly, cradling her to him, pressing her head against his chest.

"I need to see her wounds, she could be-" Merlin began again, his imploring gaze on the Giant. Lamia whimpered at his voice and Percival's hand shot out, shoving Merlin away.

Gwen gasped and blinked and Merlin crashed to the ground beside her.

She spun to him.

"Merlin- are you alright?" Merlin, seemingly unharmed, lay sprawled on the grass, wide disbelieving eyes on Sir Percival.

Gwen snapped her head back to the giant.

"Sir Percival-" she began, anger bleeding into her voice, but the knight ignored her, pulling Lamia to him and rising from the ground. He glowered down at the scrawny servant beside her.

"You stay away from her, Merlin." He growled. Then he stalked off. Merlin's head twisted as he mutely watched him walk away. Stunned. The world seemed to be tipping beneath Gwen, no longer steady and sturdy. Her head buzzed with confusion.

_Why did Percival do that? He never uses his strength for ill- it's against everything he believes! And Merlin is his little brother! _

Perhaps looking for answers, Gwen looked up at Sir Leon behind them. He was looking in Sir Percival's direction too, but he didn't seem shocked. Instead his brows furrowed with… determination?

"Where does she live?" Sir Gwaine's voice asked. There was a moment of quiet before Elyan, who'd sometime drifted away from her side, called:

"In Riversford."

Sir Leon spoke up now.

"Alright. That's where we'll take her then-" Gwen's eyebrows rose, the confusion twisting in her stomach mounting.

"Sir Leon, we're headed for Camelot so we can bring Gaius back to the village-" she began but Sir Leon's head snapped down. His eyes cold.

"We're taking Lamia home." Then he turned and marched away, barking orders to the other knights.

First Percival and now Leon? What was going on? And she was the Queen! They were supposed to take their orders from her! What on earth was wrong with them?!

She looked over at Merlin to find him looking at her, his eyes blazing with her questions. Looking to her like she might have answers. She pursed her lips and shook her head, forcing her mouth to twist into a smile as she clambered to her feet.

"Don't worry, Merlin. I'm sure it's nothing." Then she bent down and helped him to his feet.

'I'm sure it's nothing.' had hours ago morphed into 'Something's really wrong.' and then 'Merlin, they don't mean it, their not themselves-' to 'Merlin, what if it's magic?' before, blaringly obvious in hindsight, 'Merlin, what if it's her?'

The last one had been whispered as they bedded down as far away from the knights as they dared without drawing suspicion. Merlin's blue eyes clouded with worry, only a breath away. Far closer than was strictly appropriate for any female and male friends to sleep, much less so when one was married, and frankly shameful when one was married to the King.

But Merlin had been shoved three times, degraded thirteen, and threatened nine.

She wasn't letting him out of her sight.

"She has them under some sort of spell-"Merlin breathed back, the brightness of his eyes were gone- they looked dark and heavy. Weighted.

Her heart ached at the sight and a part of her wriggled to break free and blame the knights- how dare they?! He was their friend! He was the smartest, kindest, bravest soul she knew and they stole his light! They were supposed to protect him! She'd been at Arthur's side when they'd all sworn to guard him! She'd woken for every harried report of every dangerous Night Living activity. She'd watched them all spin into frenzies over Merlin's colds that rivaled their reactions for Arthur's mortal injuries. They loved him. Protected him.

And now they were the enemies.

And oh, she wanted to blame them- to darken their worth in her eyes the same way they darkened the light in his.

But she couldn't.

Magic had done terrible things to her. It'd taken her father, killed Arthur's, it had enslaved and tortured and killed. It had nearly stolen their marraige, nearly slayed the love between them and tarnished the reputaition of a good, noble man.

It wasn't their fault it was twisting them too.

"Gwen, we have to go back- the village will die if we don't." Merlin whispered urgently, pulling her from her thoughts.

Gwen's heart pulled at the words, images of the people she'd loved since she was a girl- all dead - flashed through her mind, and she felt a lump rise in her throat. But Elyan's voice reverberated through her.

'_I don't care if your the Queen now- we're taking Lamia home. You can join us or you can stay and wait for what destroyed the village to come to you.' _

"We can't go alone, or whatever got the village might get us too. Besides, we can't leave them all enchanted like this- whatever she's planned for them isn't good!"

Merlin's eyes seemed to darken even further, the lines wrinkling his face looked far too accostomed to being there as his brows furrowed.

"I'm sorry, Gwen. If I had done my job like I was supposed too, none of them would've been here to get enchanted and they wouldn't be hurting you-"

Pain lanced through her heart as she watched his eyes fill with tears and heard his breath hitch desperately.

Her hand shot out, grabbing his and holding it feircly. He gasped, shocked and she shook his hand gently.

"Merlin, I'm not being hurt, I'm alright. And your going to be to- I swear. You mustn't blame yourself. There's nothing you could've done against magic."

Her heart sunk when all expression drained from his face.

Gwen woke to a cold draft blowing into her. She shivered and curled into her cloak. Soft red light filtered through her closed lids. She frowned for a moment. That was wrong. Why was that wrong? Then her waking brain realized. Light. Sun. The sun was up. Elyan should have woken them up already. Her eyes snapped open, staring uncomprehendingly at the empty space beside her. Only a soft imprint in the moss as memory of- of?

"_Merlin?!" _She gasped, tearing upright, eyes widening as horror pooled in her stomach. The campground was deserted. No knights. No Merlin. _No Lamia. _

She darted to her feet, her hand instinctivly checking the sheaf in her belt, her dagger had stayed secured since she checked last night.

_Okay- okay- _she stole a shaky breath, shoving the panic bubbling in her veins down.

Arthur's voice filled her head, his professionalism blending into worry that she might one day depend on his drills.

_Asses the situation. What do you have, what do you know, what needs to be done? _

_Okay. Everyone is gone. The fire's dim but still burning, so they left recently. The horses are tied and the campsites' set up. They weren't planning on leaving. They haven't gone far. The swords are gone. _

Bile rose at that last thought.

The knights were armed.

She shoved it away- she needed to think!

Merlin's life depended on her.

_Alright- what do I have? I have my dagger _

Her hand pressed to her side again, needing the confirming weight. It soothed her panic somewhat.

_I have- _

A scream pierced through the forest and jolting through her, pulsing in her head, throbbing in her heart- then it broke.

The woods were silent.

" _Merlin! _" she screamed as she raced after the scream because she knew- _she knew _it was his.

Time seemed to hold still- the woods were silent. No birds, no rustling, only silent.

But it wasn't still.

It was galloping ahead- and no matter how hard she ran it was faster.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Second fashed by, as blurry as the trees.

Was he already dead?

Her heart stuttered and her steps faltered but she shoved the thought away violently.

_Above everything, don't panic. You're smart and you're fast and you know how to use your dagger. If something goes wrong, stay calm and the chances that you and whoever you're with will survive will be that much greater. _

She heard voices ringing through the still, muffled at first, but clearer and louder the closer she ran.

"He's hurt-!"

Gwen's heart squeezed as her worst fears were confirmed and her feet moved impossibly faster.

"Of course he's hurt you drunk simpleton- he's unconcious!"

"It's all his fault-"

"Are you challenging me, you arrogant fool?! I could kill you where you stand-"

"Say that to me one more time and you'll have to talk without a tong you insolent-!"

"Every time one of you shouts, Lamia flinches! You're scaring her!"

Time stopped as she saw them, her blood freezing in her veins.

The Knights were all surounding a tree, surrounding Lamia, their faces contorted in panic and sorrow, twisted in jelousy as they crowed apologies and vows.

All the knights but one.

Elyan lay crumpled on the moss, his face as pale as a parchment, as still as death.

Crumpled beside Merlin.

Merlin lay twisted awkwardly, his inert form trembling, crimson pooling beneath his head.

A cry tore from her lips as time started and she ran to them- collapsing between them.

"Oh heavens- oh heavens, oh heavens-"

Her voice broke as her world shattered. Her hands reached out, pawing at each chest desperately, blindly, searching for anything.

Anything.

_Guinevere- look at me. You'll need to be calm-your lives will depend on you being calm. Everything may be going wrong, people may be hurt, they may be dying- they may be dead, Gwen. And fear and pain and panic may be tearing through you- but you will have to shove all of that away. I know- __**I know **__it's not fair. But whoever's left will need you to stay calm and soldier through. Asses the situation. _

_What do you have? What do you know? What needs to be done? _

What needs to be done?

She needed to be calm. She couldn't save either of them if she was trying to save both of them. Gwen tore her hand from Merlin's chest, biting back a sob as he whimpered. She turned to Elyan, her fingers groping desperately at his neck.

A pulse.

Weak and thready, but there.

Her heart shuddered with relief as she spun away from him, immediately seizing again as her eyes landed on Merlin again. She jammed her shaking fingers at his wrist, a desperate chant charging through her body.

_PleasePleasePleasePlease- don't be dead, oh heavens! Please Merlin, don't be dead! _

A heartbeat twitched under her fingers.

He was alive!

They were alive!

She flung one hand back to Elyan, shaking them both feircly.

"Merlin, Elyan? Can you hear me? Oh dear God- please let them wake up! Wake up boys, can you hear me? I need yo to wake up!"

_What do you know? _

She snapped her head up, looking at the knights, continueing to shake the boys to no response.

"Sir Leon, what happened?! How were they injured? What's wrong with them?!"

The knights all turned to look at her, their expressions all darkening. But it was Lamia, cacooned protectivly between Lancelot and Leon who answered.

"We woke and Elyan was gone. We found him as he is now, with Merlin kneeling beside him- Merlin'd hurt him. It was Gwaine who took care of Merlin." Her voice was lathered with admiration that made Gwen's stomach turn.

The Knights' head swiviled to Gwaine, expressions turning murderous.

Not because he'd attacked Merlin-

Because Lamia had complemented him.

She felt sick.

Gwaine had attacked Merlin.

Out of all the Knights, Gwaine thought himself Merlin's closest friend, his fiercest protector.

He'd attacked Merlin.

Her head spun with the weight pressing on her heart. Her instincts wanted to lunge to her feet and tear him apart, shake him and scream until he realized the evil in what he'd done-

but her brothers were hurt.

She inhaled sharply, closing her eyes for a moment, forcing her boiling blood to cool.

_It's not their fault. Their under her spell. They can't control it._

She couldn't fight them now, she'd be over powered anyway. Camelot's Knights were the best.

Her brothers were hurt and she was the only one who would save them.

She opened her eyes again, fighting the instincts clawing at her and turning to Merlin with a new purpose. Both were breathing and the scarlet still pooling beneath him promised he was the most imminent priority.

"Merlin- Merlin can you hear me?" her panic nudged her voice upward toward hysteria. She stole a breath and shoved it down, forcing her voice to be low and calm.

"Merlin, you're alright, you're going to be fine, I promise- I just really need you to wake up-" He shifted beneath her slightly and her heart lept to her throat.

"Merlin? Merlin, can you hear me? Merlin? Wake up, Merlin-" she ordered breathlessly, her heart hammering painfully against it's cage.

He twitched and moaned and her heart soared, swelling with hope.

His eyelids fluttered, his face twisted with pain- but _he was waking up!_

They fluttered open.

Gold gleamed up at her.

Her heart stopped.

Gold meant magic.

He blinked rapidly, frowning up at her, _golden_ eyes clouded with confusion.

Gold. Magic.

Merlin had magic.

_'Merlin kneeling beside him- Merlin'd hurt him'_

Her stomach dropped sickeningly.

Images flashed through her mind, spinning dizzyingly atop each other- memories.

Magic had stolen so many lives. Uther. Morgana. _Her Father. _Her village, her knights-

Merlin. It'd stolen Merlin too.

Her heart broke. Shattered into thousands of peices so small she'd never be able to fit them together again.

Because Merlin- the brave boy who'd stood up for a servant his very first day in Camelot, the selfless brother who sacrificed himself every time- drinking poisen and sneaking children free and leaping in front of swords, the honest man who lied every day about Taverns when he'd spent his time helping those weaker, sacrificing sleep and time and health, the respectful protector who'd blushed so brightly all those years ago- _her best friend!_

Gone.

Magic had stolen him like it stole everything she loved.

Hands- around her shoulders.

Shaking.

A voice. Trembling. Meaningless. Years away. Muffled. Disconnected.

The hands around her shoulders shook.

Not shaking her, but the hands themselves.

Tremored.

She looked up slowly, peircing blue staring back at her- so normal, so right-

A startling reminder of the _wrong_ gold before.

His lips were moving too quickly for her to comprehend, still far away and muffled. His brows were furrowed over his eyes- there was something in the blue, something she couldn't define. But so powerful she couldn't dismiss it. She stole a shuddering breath, instinctivly shoving away the miles between them.

His voice filtered through her ears, high and breaking-

Hysterical.

_"-hear me? Gwen, please, are you okay? Oh sparks- did they hurt you? Gwen, please! ARE YOU OKAY?! I'm so sorry- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry... this is all my fault, I tried but I was so stupid and I wasn't watching Gwaine, Gwen, I'm so sorry- this is all my fault... I never should have left you and now you're-" _his voice broke.

He was realization sparked something inside her, faint recognition dawning, new memories begining to spin through her mind. So dizzying they simply blurred past, unrecognisable except for the resounding feeling of _right_ ringing in her heart.

All except one.

_"Gwen's not the sorcerer- I am!"_

She remembered Arthur's scoff had defied his worried eyes as he told her what Merlin had tried to do for her all those years ago.

He'd had magic- and knowing that, he'd tried to sacrifice himself to the pire to save her from the flames.

He'd had magic, but he'd still been her friend.

He'd still been Merlin.

He was still Merlin.

Her heart mended- the shattered fragments binding together stronger than before, full in a way she hadn't realized had been empty.

Time started and she lunged forward, crashed into him. He let out a strangled cry of shock as they slammed back into the moss beneath him, her arms latched around his neck, burying her nose into his shoulder and inhaling deeply, feeling herself center as his _Merlin_ scent washed over- she finally could define what that something was! The puzzle was peiced together and she understood the picture. _Merlin._

"Gwen? Gwen, are you okay?!"

Still her Merlin.

Only now so much more made sense. The way he always managed to survive, the way tree limbs fell so convieniently on bandits heads, the deep sadness that burned in his eyes.

_It's because of his magic. He wants to share it, to tell us, to be safe, but he's scared. It makes him feel so alone. We think we know everything about him, but is everything more than we knew..._

Her heart swelled at the thought and she held him tighter.

She would keep his secret- to her grave if he wanted her to, she would show him they could be trusted with every part of him.

New understanding dawned once again-

That was why he'd been hovered over Elyan- because he was a _healer_\- him and his magic- all of him. He was trying to _save_ him!

"-Gwen please, please answer me- please be okay, Gwen!"

He was terrified.

Some best friend she was.

"I'm okay- I'm okay! They didn't hurt me- oh Merlin, I'm so glad your safe- I was so worried, I thought I'd lost you, don't you ever do that to me again! Do you here me, Merlin?! Never! I couldn't bear it-" tears sprang to her eyes and her voice caught.

He moved. He'd been locked with shock but now he wrapped his arms around her and her close.

"Gwen, don't worry about me, I'm fine, I promise." His voice sounded strange to her ears. Strangled.

Wrong. Something in them burned wrong in her heart.

She pulled back slightly to look at him.

"Merlin-?" she started but his eyes drifted away from hers, over her shoulder. They buldged, panic sparking in the blue.

"No!" Merlin shouted and then she was spinning, flipping around, falling.

She crashed into the ground. He was on her now. His posture protective, head jaunted up, his hand outstretched- shielding her.

Up above him loomed a hideous monster- it's fur matted and filthy, it's claws tearing into the earth, ripping it apart, it's face twisted in a terrible hungry expression, unspeakable greed glowed in it's green eyes.

Adrenaline pulsed through her and she struggled against him.

"No, Merlin- I order you-!"

He was going to sacrifice himself!

His free arm pressed against her stomach hard, locking her in place stronger than Merlin was ever capable.

He was using magic! He was using magic to hold her in place so he could sacrifice himself!

She wriggled and twisted, trying pointlessly to escape.

"Merlin, let me go- let me help! Merlin, _that's an order!_" She screamed desperately, her heart shuddering, breaking.

No. Everything they'd been through- she finally _knew_ him! And he was going to die! And he'd locked her powerless to save him!

"You can't have her! Do you hear me? You can't have her!"

The beast snarled, opening it's mouth- then it's eyes widened, surprise dawning. It let out a monstorus _animalistic _scream. It twisted and echoed and shook through the forest around them- then it stopped. Time held still for a moment, the only sign of it's passing the faint growls coming from the monster. Then they died and it toppled sideways. Dead.

Sunlight glinting on the silver band in his golden locks, face twisted in relieved grin, bandages sticking out from underneath his scarlet shirt, was Arthur. He grinned triumphantly, stabbing his scarlet stained sword into the grass beside him, before turning back to look down at them, his eyebrow rising mockingly.

"Actually, I can, _Mer_lin. She's my wife. And while I'm on the subject of her being mine, is this what you do when I'm gone? _Lay on top of her?!_ Explain yourself. Now." Arthur growled but there was no meanace in his eyes. Only relief and love.

The spell binding her released. She was free.

Good. She was going to kill him!

"Oh, you know me, sire, just lazying around. It's about time you- _augh!_" Merlin shrieked with surprise as she twisted out from under him, straddling her legs around his stomach and shoving him to the ground none-to-gently. He wriggled beneath her but she put her hands to his shoulders and pinned him easily.

"Gwen-?" Merlin asked uneasily, confused. She could hear Arthur chuckling behind them.

"Don't you ever do that to me again- don't you dare use you're" _Don't say magic!_ she thought an instant before she said it "_strength _against me to keep me safe! I am perfectly capable of protecting myself _thank you very much_ and you almost died- not five minutes after you almost died the first time! You do not do that again! I am trained by the King of Camelot himself and so help me I will pin you down and if you think I won't, think again. From now on you and I will fight together, side by side- where you protect me and I protect you or I will lock you in the dungeons every time and Arthur and the Knights leave and tell you stories about what happens to people-"

"Alright Love, I think he gets it." Arthur's voice cut over her rant, grabbing her by her shoulder and gently pulling her up, crushing her to him.

"It's alright, Guinevere," he whispered to her ear. His arms were strong and his hand cradled her head so gently. She felt the adrenaline coursing through her ebb, her heartbeat slow, matching it's beats to his thumping beneath her ear. The last of her panic died as his soothing words centered her soul.

"He's alright, he's alive."

"I know he is, he almost wasn't." She gasped into him. He hummed softly under his breath, caringly carressing her hair.

"I know. He's okay. Why are all my knights unconcious?"

"All of them? Last I knew it was just Elyan, they should be fine. The beast you killed is Lamia, she's what poisened the village, we think-"

Arthur stiffened, the soothing circles he'd been rubbing into her stopped.

"Guinevere, Gaius is at the village, none of them have woken up- their conditions are worsening,"

"Shh, their alright. You killed the beast, remember. Everyone should be fine and freed from her spell-"

"_What spell?_"

Oh. Memories of the torture they'd endured after abandoning Merlin resurfaced. She winced.

He wasn't going to like this.

"Guinevere-"

"I'll tell you later-"

"Tell me now-"

"Not while they're powerless to protect themselves." She felt his face contort against her hair.

"I wouldn't hurt them!"

"You would, trust me Arthur, you will."

His body locked again and she pulled away from his chest, reaching up and cupping his face in her hands.

"Gwen, please..." Worry burned in his eyes. She sighed and smiled gently, tracing her fingers through his hair as she tried to sooth his fears.

"Hush. Everyone's alright. We're all okay. We're all safe. It wasn't their fault, and I'll tell you later, I promise. Just as soon as your behind locked doors with your sword far away, maybe we could leave it here? Or put it back in the stone-"

"_Guinevere!_" He growled but his voice was lighter, the worry in his eyes calming, blanketed by trust as he looked at her. She smiled and he sighed, pulling her into him again.

"You said he'd already almost died, Gwen what-" he whispered. She shook her head against his chest, the movement almost imperceptable to any watching blue and gold eyes.

"I'll tell you later, he's alright-"

Arthur harrumphed.

"He was before the Queen tackled him, forgive me if I don't trust your judgement." She smiled as he called over her shoulder.

"Merlin, you alright down there?"

"Just peachy, sire." Merlin groaned and Arthur smiled against her, before pulling away and striding over to the servant.

"You know, it's almost good to see you, Merlin." Arthur said extending a hand. Merlin took it, brows furrowed, and and Arthur hauled him up before enfolding him in a tight embrace. Merlin's eyes widened comically over Arthur's shoulder, pulling a smile on Gwen's lips.

"I mean it, Merlin. I will forever cherish the memory of you laying on my wife, hand outstretched to a feriocius monster-" Gwen's heart missed a beat and horror dawned in Merlin's eyes as he stiffened straight as a board.

_He can't know- surely... _ Gwen thought, her mind racing to review the last several minutes for any sign of Arthur discovering Merlin's secret.

"I mean, what were you planning to do?" Arthur gibed sarcastically as he pulled away, relief in his eyes blending with the smug twist of his lips, the look he always had he looked at Merlin.

"_Shake his hand?_"

Relief flooded in Merlin's eyes and a shaky laugh escaped Gwen.

Holy Heavens her husband was obtuse.

Her mirth was immediately chased away as she saw the remenents of warriness behind the light in Merlin's eyes. Had that always been there?

_I promise you, Merlin. I will guard your secret with my life. I swear I'll protect you. _

The clanging from the courtyard echoed through the entire castle, only overpowered by Arthur's bellows. Both sounds had been there ever since the Queen spoke to the King a day and night ago. Many villagers and servants had wild ideas about what on earth the Queen could have told him in the three minutes he'd listened to make him attack his knights so, but they all predicted he wouldn't stop for a long time. They were right.

But Merlin, laying on his bed, staring at the cealing as though he could see it through the dark, didn't care.

Gaius said he was sick when the King asked.

Said he had disacociated himself from the stress of the situation.

Said he was researching how to bring him back, but he was not to be disturbed until then.

The clanging and bellowing had gotten louder then. But Merlin didn't care.

The knights had apoligized. He'd worried over the cuts and bruises littering each of them, the pain and self hatred in their eyes. Hours ago. Or maybe days. Or years. Time didn't matter. It flew but it stopped. Eons passed before you blinked. And then they were gone. And everyone who'd been alive was dead. The second they were born the clock till their death started ticking.

Merlin didn't care.

He didn't care because they didn't care.

Merlin wakes up. He'd been staring at the cealing forever, never fallen asleep. But he wakes up. Cool blue light filled the room. The sun was just pulling free from the clouds in the east. There was clanging in the courtyard. Are the knights training? This early? Something about it feels familiar, but he can't remember what. He hears Arthur bellowing, the castle muffling the words, but the shouts could be no one else's. Merlin's surprise and confusion double. What was Arthur doing up so early? And dressed and armoured- Merlin hadn't helped him.

Panic sparks in his heart.

Merlin can't remember.

He can't remember- oh sparks _anything_ could have happened!

Did Arthur find out? Is he kept here for kindness while he waits for the pire?

That would explain Arthur's anger on the field.

But surely Merlin's betreyal wouldn't enfuriate him so much.

You had to matter to make your betreyal sting.

So it had to be something-

Merlin bolts upright, his heart stopping in his chest, eyes widening.

No. No. No no no nononononono _Please no!_ He twists behind him, foraging desperatly under his pillow.

"_Please... please...please no! Don't be dead- please, not another name- please don't be dead-" _his breath hitched painfully as tears course down his cheeks. His shaking hands grab the old book and he yanks it out, tearing it open, searching desperatly for a new passage. His heart throbbing because he already knows. Dread pooled in his stomach as he sees a new page he couldn't remember penning.

"No... no please..." he sobs as he looks, praying it would be anything but what he knew it was.

_Dear Freya, _

_I don't know what to write._

"Please no... please don't be dead... not again..."

_I should have expected this from the begining- I'm so stupid! I'm so stupid and I let myself have the stupid fantasy and it shouldn't even hurt so much because I already knew._

"No no no... please, please I can't not again-" Tears fill his eyes so fast he can't see, the world a kalidascope of pigmented colors . His heart shudders at how cruel fate is to prolong the terrible sentence that would make it real. Make her gone.

He wipes the tears away furiously with trembling hands. He wants to cry and scream as his heart tears apart. Not again. Not again...

_I thought they just forgot me because they didn't care enough to remember. Freya, I was so stupid. It hurt so much that they didn't care- I always thought they did- I'm so stupid. I didn't realize they hated me._

Wait. What?

Suddenly Merlin remembers. Everything crashes into his mind. His heart shatters even as it floods with relief.

She was alive! He hadn't failed again!

But the knights hated him. He'd thought they just hadn't cared- but...

_I'm so stupid, it shouldn't hurt this much, Freya. I should have seen it- I knew it! I knew what a terrible person I am. I knew I'm nothing but a servant. I know I'm worthless. I know I break everything I touch. Kill everyone I love. I don't know why it hurts so much that they know too. _

_I guess I always believed that if they could see something in me... If the kindest, bravest, truest people in the world could see something in me, if they could believe in me... Care about me- then maybe there was something in me- some tiny part that deserved it. That could be redeemed . But it can't. _ _It can't, and what hurts so much is that I knew it can't! I knew and I was still stupid enough to believe. How could I be so stupid? You cannot see good where there is only black. I was so foolish to believe they could see any good in me- I knew! I knew my soul is painted in the blood of those I've slaughtered._

_That doesn't wash out, Freya._

_Blood stains and it stays._

_I've broken apart, my Love. And some stupid part of me thought they would try to mend the shattered fragments. That I deserved them too._

_But meddling with glass is tricky._

_You can force the thing together again, but it won't ever be the same. _

_And all your hands will be is bloody._

_Why try to mend what's worth nothing? But Freya I'm not worth nothing anymore._

_I was worth nothing before, when I hadn't done any good._

_And I hadn't done any bad. _

_Now I'm worth so much. Thousands of wanted posters. Millions of coins dead or alive. Worlds of pain. Wood beneath my feet, fire taking my evil soul to the only world I deserve._

_That's what I deserve, that and so, so much more._

_I don't deserve a quick death. The lives on my shoulders and the blood on my soul are all a constant testament. I deserve every second of anguish I've caused them. Every tear of every loved one who have to live with the undefinable pain I've given them. Every hope and dream and chance to do good and to love and dance and laugh and live that I stole._

_I don't deserve death._

_But is it so terrible that I crave it?_

_I want it, Freya. I want it so badly I can barely breath. I want to die. I want to stop causing pain and heartbreak everywhere I go. I want to let go of the weight of every soul I've slayed._

_It's terrible. _

_I took your lives and now I want the easy way out of my sins. _

_You don't deserve that. None of you do. _

_I wanted to do whatever else I could for you. What you deserve._

_But maybe I'm not strong enough. I'm weak, Freya. I'm weak and pathetic and stupid and so much worse than worthless. The weight of your souls is already enough proof of it. I fail at everything I try to do. Hurt everyone I try to help. Kill everyone I try to save._

_Maybe I should just go. _

_I want to go._

_And that's why I'm going to stay._

_I don't deserve anything I want._

_Not when I've stolen all your wants._

_I'll keep going. I'll keep carrying you with me - all of you- I won't forget any of you, I promise. And I'll keep trying to save him._

_I know it won't atone for my sins, blood stains and stays._

_But I have to try._

_I love you. _

_I try every day not too. I promise I do, you don't deserve my red fingers staining your pure soul-_

_But I can't._

_I'm so sorry you love me._

_Always._


	5. The Time Merlin Died As He Breathed

I failed, My Love.

I'll finally get what I deserve.

Sir Leon had been five summers old when the screams of the purged shook the village. He hadn't understood why Mama cried. Or why Father came home smelling like ash. He'd asked Father why. Why they screamed. Why Gwen and Elyan cried. Where their mother had gone. Where they'd all gone. And his father hadn't answered. He'd only knelt down beside him. Crushed him to his chest and whispered: "Stay near the Crown, Little Lion, do you understand? I need you to pay attention to your training and stay close, and when you see something- I need you to look away. It'll be the only way you'll be safe. Can you do that for me, Little Lion? Can you look away?" Leon hadn't understood. But he'd heard the fear in his father's voice. Felt the shuddering of the arms that clung to him like they couldn't let go. He'd nodded.

That night they took him too.

Charged with aiding sorcery. Sentenced to death.

And Leon understood his Father's fear.

He broke his promise. Making a silent vow in his heart, only for him to hear.

He would devote himself to his training and he would stay close to the crown. He would watch.

And he wouldn't look away.

He vowed that when he died, it would be defending the innocent.

Like his father had.

Well, He watched if he could convince Gwaine to leave, anyway.

He looked at the sober drunk as he marched past, taking up position on the unoccupied side of the Infirmary's door. Gwaine glared pointedly at the wall opposite him, back straight, the hand resting on his hilt was still. But Leon knew if he made one wrong move he'd be fighting for his life.

Leon stifled a sigh and turned his eyes to the wall as well.

It was a wonderful wall. Oh look- there was a crack in that cobblestone.

He could see why Gwaine was so transfixed.

"Lovely morning" He tried lightly, staring fixedly ahead.

"Over my dead body." Gwaine snarled.

Okay. Two could play this game.

Leon casually folded his hands behind his back.

"So. How long have you been sober?"

He knew exactly how long.

It'd been five days and twelve hours since Arthur had killed Lamia and rescued Merlin.

From them.

He glanced over to catch the knight's reaction. Gwaine's eyes lanced with pain before they clouded over with anger.

He growled warningly.

Leon averted his eyes before the younger man could notice.

The crack on the wall didn't seem to have anything to add.

"It doesn't suit you."

Gwaine's eyes hardened, but he didn't say a word.

"You look terrible, actually. But I can't tell if that's the withdrawl or the reason behind it."

Gwaine inhaled sharply, his breath shuddering. Leon looked away from the wall, turning to his friend. Gwaine's jaw clenched and his hand fisted around his pummel, refusing to even glance at him, glaring murderously at the poor crack.

"Gwaine. It wasn't your fault." He said, firmly, trying to drive away the uncertainty of his statement twisting in his stomach.

You're nothing but a stupid servant- now you do what your betters say or next time I won't hold back. His mind recalled the terrible words and his heart flipped.

No. You can't think that way. It was magic. It wasn't your fault.

Once again, the stubborn man didn't respond.

Leon inwardly sighed before continuing.

"It really wasn't. Arthur was the only one not spelled and even he couldn't do anything against the magic!" The words tasted treasonous on his tong, but he shoved the guilt away. Arthur would never let a man ruin himself with guilt when he was innocent. Then Leon's mind flashed back to the past several days excruciating training and he amended the thought. He wouldn't once his wife talked to him.

But Gwaine's face darkened and he snapped, lunging forward. Before Leon could blink, a steel edge pressed against his throat. His eyes bulged in shock, blinking stupidly at the grey pools of pain and hate only inches away.

"Arthur didn't bash his skull in and leave him to die!"

Leon's heart flipped as Gwaine's voice broke.

"Gwaine- it wasn't you. It was Magic-" he tried to steal some sort of comfort in the words but Gwaine erupted- couldn't be contained.

"He's hasn't left that door since-"

A faint thudding.

They both froze, locked into place, the edge of the blade still pressed to his throat- silent. Listening.

It grew louder- Footsteps, Leon realized. Coming from both ends of the hall.

Running.

Siege, Leon realized. Time re-started. Both knights reacted as one. The sword darting away from his throat as his hand flew to his own. He pulled it out with a piercing zing as he spun face the corridor. He took a half step backwards until he pressed against Gwaine's back.

The life of a soldier. What did a fight between friends matter when tomorrow one of them might be dead?

"Siege. How many?" Gwaine grunted, the anger and pain in his voice gone.

Huh, Leon thought despite the situation, All he needed was adrenalin.

Leon paused, holding his breath and straining to hear.

"Too many to count."

"Same here. The warning bell?"

Leon cursed, the image of the guards sprawled on the watchtower floor in pools of blood rose unbidden to his mind. They'd been so young. Only in the force for a year. Boys. His heart squeezed but he grimly shoved the thought away.

Focus on who you can save. Renlund's instructions from all those years ago filled his mind. Giving him purpose. Do what you have to do. Then you mourn the dead.

"They must have disabled it."

Gwaine growled.

The footsteps were closer now, almost upon them.

Leon forced his grip to relax. Clenching the weapon would only limit his fluidity of movement.

"Offence or Defence?" Gwaine asked, his question a strange combination of vulnerability and frustration.

Leon frowned, distracted by the conflicting emotions.

Why was Gwaine-? Oh.

Gwaine was forcing himself to back down and let Leon lead.

He was upset because he was forcing himself to follow the command. Vulnerable because Leon's command might contradict the instincts raging in his blood.

Offence or Defence.

Surprising the enemy, or protecting Merlin.

"Defence." Leon said firmly and he felt Gwaine's sigh of relief.

The footsteps were there, shadows dancing on the opposite corridor.

Leon stole a breath, his blood racing through him, pulse thudding in his ears.

"Yours in life-" Leon whispered. Just in case this was it.

He couldn't die without his friend knowing he would give his life in a heartbeat to save theirs.

"Yours in death." Gwaine breathed back the old soldier parting.

They rounded the corner and Leon's sword raised above his head, a war cry erupting from his lips. Then he was soaring through the air- crashing into stone. The splitting pain stabbing through his head. Red dripped into his eyes and black clouded his vision as the world spun. The last thing he knew was terrible screams- and then the world went dark.

"Sire please- You can't face her alone, let me help!" Leon begged as he staggered after the king, the world wobbled beneath his feet. Leon strained against the black that surrounded him. His head pulsed and throbbed and he sensed the world teetering beneath his feet, but he had to go- he had too!

I promised. You don't understand, Sire. I promised Father I would do what's right- and Merlin! Sire, I vowed I would protect him- Strong hands latched on his arms as he crumpled, gently lowering him to the ground. Leon looked up, blinking rapidly, still unable to see through the cloud of black. Why was it so dark? Was it night already? And had the ground always spun so violently? He tried to remember if it had, but that only seemed to intensify the world shattering pounding in his head. But that was probably the concussion.

"I'm sorry, Leon. Not this time."

"Please… my fault… don't go alone…" Leon begged. His heart ached for the world to brighten so he could see Arthur- if only he could see him, he could make him understand!

"He won't be." Growled a familiar voice behind him.

Leon twisted his head around, black overwhelming his vision at the action. Or maybe the sky had just gone dark. Only Arthur's tightening hands on his shoulders tethered him to consciousness.

"Gwaine-" Arthur began.

"Don't even try it, Princess-"

"You were slammed into a stone wall-!"

"Yeah. I'll go fetch the horses."

"Thanks. Now I'm convicted to his incessant chatter." Arthur said, his voice resigned, to anyone else it would have sounded casual. But Leon has trained with the man- he knew him better then most. He heard the relief. The worry.

"Please…"

But he knew the King wouldn't let him.

It was his fault Merlin was captured and Arthur refused to let him save him.

"I'm sorry, Old Friend. We'll bring him back."

Then the steadying hands left. The King walked away.

Some point after they rode out he collapsed to the grass. The world rocked and spun beneath him but Leon fought unconsciousness. Eyes wide open as though he could stare through the black.

Waiting for them to bring Merlin home.

Watching.

Leon woke. He hadn't been aware he'd fallen asleep, but he had the strange sensation of time lost.

Asses the situation. Old knight Redlun's drills surfaced in his somewhat foggy mind.

The throbbing in his skull had eased to a dull pulsing. His body wasn't so achy and bruised, probably a gift from the straw mattress beneath him. His head felt clear and sharp, the strange realization making him wonder why that had occurred to him. Had it been clouded or incoherent?

But his eyes felt weird. Wrong. Strained? He tried to open them and panic seized his heart when he realized he couldn't. He couldn't open his eyes.

"HE'S AWAKE!" a familiar voice bellowed, sending of shock through Leon as he lurched upright, his hand snapping to his sheaf- but it wasn't there. Only soft cotton.

There was a loud thump followed by a yelp of surprise.

"Hey-" The first voice started indignantly- Gwaine? The thudding of Leon's heart eased as Arthur's exasperated voice drowned out the knight's.

"Their hurt- You can't yell!" Arthur was half yelling himself and the blood pulsing through Leon ebbed. Clearly there was no threat except each other.

He tried again to open his eyes, but found he once again couldn't.

"Where am I?" He asked, his voice a croak, his throat hurting as if it had gone a while without speaking.

"Wonderful bedside manner, boys." Another voice lectured. The two fell silent. Leon heard the rustling of skirts and felt the wind rush slightly to his left. He turned in that direction as someone sat on his bed and the rustling stopped.

He flinched as warm fingers gently took his hand, and they tightened assuringly.

"Sorry, Sir Leon, it's only me. You're alright."

Lady Guinevere.

He nodded.

Then he craned his head to the right in what he hoped was the general direction of his King.

"Sire, I've deduced some things about my condition: I don't remember falling asleep. The pain is bearable now. I am no longer dizzy, but I cannot seem to be able to open my eyes. If we don't have anything pressing keeping us here, I recommend we head back for Camelot as soon as is convenient. I fear I'm only a liability to you as I am, Sire."

There was silence for a moment and then another thumping noise.

"Ow!" Arthur cried this time, before anger inflected his voice "I'll throw you in the stocks for that-!"

"No- Sir Leon, you're home, you're in the infirmary-" The Queen soothed beside him while Gwaine bellowed from somewhere across the room.

"The sun burned his sense out- I told you you shouldn't have left him!"

Oh. The Infirmary. That made sense. That was where he'd been before he went out after Arthur and ended up on the field to wait-

"Merlin!" He shouted, and if he'd been able his eyes would have tore open in disbelief. Despite being unable too, he felt his pulse quicken in his blood.

He'd been out to watch for Merlin- Merlin! The man he'd abused and then failed to protect- the man he'd let be kidnapped!

"I left him? If you'll recall, Sir Gwaine, you were riding right beside me!"

Merlin had been kidnapped.

"I'd just been slammed into a wall-!"

Time had passed. Arthur and Gwaine were back- what if-?!

It was all his fault! It was his responsibility to comfort Gwaine and to guard Merlin and he'd been so consumed with the first that he'd abandoned the second.

He'd failed.

He'd failed and now Merlin was captured.

Tortured.

Dead.

All his fault.

Grief washed over him. Cold.

Merlin was the sun in this bleak world and now he was gone.

All because he'd failed.

Numb. Ice.

His father's face as they took him away, as he begged Leon to be brave, as he died for the innocent-

He'd failed.

"He's alright! I promise, Merlin's safe. He's right here, he's home. Gaius is tending to him, he's going to be just fine."

The Queen's voice carried over their bellowing- soothing his seizing heart the way cool water soothed a parched throat.

Melting the ice.

Merlin was safe. Merlin was home.

Relief coursed through him, followed immediately by the tinge of embarrassment.

Of course Merlin was safe and home.

Arthur and Gwaine wouldn't squabbling like children if he wasn't.

"-And I told you to stay behind!"

"And I-"

"What in the blue blithering moon is going on in here?!" Gaius's voice thundered through the room, silencing all other sounds instantly. Leon felt a slight shifting in the still of the room, presumably their heads all snapping to the door. Gaius continued, his soft voice crashing with more force than a hundred armies' battle cries.

"I have a boy in the other room exhausted and bleeding after running for his life for three days from criminals who did heaven knows what to him. A knight in here temporarily blind from head trauma- who was abandoned -heavily concussed!-in a field for nineteen hours! And a poor maid in labor on the table because the beds are occupied, scared and in more pain than any of you knights could possibly imagine. And you're in here bellowing like wild pirates!"

Shame blossomed in Leon's stomach, despite him not having actually contributed to the pirate-like-bellowing. But it soon rushed away as he registered Gaius's words. Temporarily blind. Leon knew he should feel grateful it was temporary. Or terrified it'd happened at all. But all he could feel was relief. Merlin was safe.

The relief was so strong- bright and impossibly warm, pulsing through his veins, swelling in his heart, floating through his mind-

Hands gently pushed him back and a pillow cushioned him like a cloud. He drifted away.

There was only so long one could mercifully drift in unconsciousness. At some point, the body stopped being merciful and left you, still mostly blind and incapacitated, wide awake.

Bored.

It'd been two days now. Well, two long sleeps, anyway. His world had gone from black to a somewhat lighter gray. If he held his hand right in front of his eyes, he could swear he could see a faint outline of it.

And that was how Sir Leon Ennon Eldridge the Third. The First Knight of Camelot. Head of the Round Table. Third in Command of the entire Kingdom, ended up sprawled on the cot, squinting at the hand against his nose.

"I think I can see it this time." Leon commented, needing to say something. His hand trembled above him-his blood physically itching in his veins to hold a sword again. To go on patrol. To run the laps. To do anything...

Leon waited for a response, but Merlin didn't say a word. The undefinable scratching sound continuing to rustle through the room without even a pause.

Leon frowned in the direction of the roof, dropping his hand beside him as worry twisted in his heart.

Merlin hadn't said a word in two days.

Leon had trained against imagining the worst. At thinking logically. Shoving away emotion and doubt. Focusing on what he needed to do and not letting anything distract him from the mission.

But there was no mission. Nothing to distract himself for. Just that mindless scratching and a dark canvass that saw all the horrors he couldn't shove away.

Merlin, surrounded, being beaten from all sides, their words stabbing deeper than the knives. Words that Leon remembered all too clearly. His stomach filled with lead and the images raced past even faster, each a stab to his heart.

Merlin sprawled on the ground, red staining the grass.

Merlin's blue orbs filled with tears as they dragged him away from anyone who could save him.

No Merlin. Only screams echoing in the still trees

"No!" Leon erupted, bolting upright and slamming the hand he hadn't realized he'd fisted into the pillow beside him- shoving the thoughts away.

Merlin squeaked and the bed creeked as he started in surprise.

Leon cursed bitterly behind his locked lips.

How could he be so stupid? Merlin hadn't said a word since he was abducted and helplessly imprisoned- only he knew whatever horrors they'd done to him-! And Leon, who'd already betrayed his trust and hurt him, was scaring him. The need for a distraction bled away as he turned to the bed, replaced with an all-consuming need to fix. Fix his outburst, fix Merlin's quiet- his mind flashed back to eight days ago- fix the damage of my sins. He thought as he opened his mouth, forcing his words to be soft despite his mind screaming at him.

"Sorry- I'm sorry. I wasn't talking to you. Just thinking to myself."

He waited. Time seemed to hold its breath as he waited for something. Anything

The scratching sound started again.

Leon's heart shriveled with disappointment. Merlin was closed. They'd hurt him and he couldn't trust them. He hid his pain in silence. Oblivious to how it echoed through their hearts.

"So. What're you doing?" Leon feigned casualty, his heart thudding wildly as he waited. He growled inwardly and tried to shove his desperation away. Focus- do not be distracted!

Then Merlin spoke!

"Writing."

A single, beautiful word.

Leon's heart swelled with relief. He was talking! Such a simple action. Not even anything grand. One word. But it somehow felt like a start. Proof he was okay. Proof he would heal-

Leon's euphoria faded as he realized something was wrong.

Merlin's voice had been wrong.

A rock settled in his stomach. His mind flitted back to the word, trying to recall what about it was wrong- but the memory was tainted with his relief and he couldn't remember.

"Writing what?" Leon asked.

Time held still in the thickest silence of Leon's life.

Then, after a lifetime:

"Ways to kill Arthur."

The world stopped.

Then dozens of thoughts crashed through Leon's mind.

Merlin wants to kill Arthur. His best friend.

Arthur's closest confidant wants to kill him.

No, wait. He doesn't. Of course he doesn't.

His voice is rough. That's what's wrong. Misuse? No. That's not it. He's talking about killing Arthur.

He's in pain.

But why- OH. We've already turned on him.

He thought Arthur was the only one he could trust left.

And Arthur couldn't protect him.

He's acting angry because he's hurt and it was our job to save him.

And no one came.

He had to save himself.

Again.

Leon's heart broke at the final realization. He ached to be able see Merlin. To see the pain he knew was burning in his brother's eyes. But all he could see was grey. He was disadvantaged, a man going to war with only one foot. Maybe it was irrational- but if he could see Merlin- he knew he could help.

He growled internally at the useless thought, shoving himself off his cot. The scratching -writing- stopped, Merlin presumably stopping to look at him. Leon ignored him, refusing to be deterred. If he couldn't see then he would have to rely on his other senses to help Merlin. He took shuffling steps, bent awkwardly, hand outstretched to feel the bed before he walked into it. His bare foot crashed into the bedpost and he cursed. Some help his hand had been. You probably held it up above the bed, idiot. Leon shoved the thought away, pressing both hands on the bed and hitching a leg up onto it. The bed squeaked and the weight dispersed as Merlin scampered away from his leg. Leon moved all his weight onto the leg, shifting the other up beside it before manuvering until he sat triumphantly with his legs dangling.

Step One: Get closer, complete.

Step Two: Fix Merlin… Leon sighed internally as he shifted to face the younger man. He liked his plans to be simple. But he didn't even know where to begin with this one.

"You had any good ones?" Leon asked awkwardly. He couldn't see, but he could feel Merlin's eyes searing into him. He mentally berated himself. Great job! Your asking if your little brother has any good ideas on how to kill his best friend- the King you're sworn to protect!

Merlin stiffened at the words, the air shifting at the movement.

The room throbbed with the weight of the question.

Then Merlin sighed. Sagged.

"No. I'm sort of blanking on ideas."

That's because you don't really want him dead. Your not actually thinking about it. Leon thought, a knot of anxiety inside him loosening.

Then Merlin perked up again.

"Sir Leon- you've been trained to kill since birth! How would you kill a King?"

And the knot tightened again.

Oh heavens. He can't even talk about the pain.

How could he help? What could he possibly say to help Merlin stop shoving his hurting down? What could he say when Merlin couldn't even talk about it?

The answer dawned and he sighed mentally.

Talk about what Merlin can talk about.

Talk about killing the King.

His stomach twisted at the bitter irony.

But he had too.

For Merlin.

"Well, I'd-uh…" Leon stammered awkwardly. He fought to turn the way he'd thought since youth of 'protect the the king' into 'exploit the kings weakness'. What are his weakness? If I were to kill him, what would be the best way?

"Yes? You'd what, Leon?" Merlin asked, his voice thick with an emotion Leon couldn't define. It sounded like eagerness. Eagerness to kill Arthur.

But of course it wasn't. Merlin didn't actually want to kill Arthur.

It's desperation, he realized. Desperation for someone to help him.

Leon's heart ached.

God forgive me.

"His biggest flaw" I'm sorry, Arthur. "Is that he cares."

"Yes? So how can I exploit it?"

Maybe I can use this ruse to help him.

"Well… He cares about people. He cares about you, Merlin."

Leon paused, heart thrumming-hoping desperately these words might help Merlin pull free of this charade. Might help him heal.

"So I can use this against him?! How?"

He doesn't believe Arthur cares about him! He wants me to prove it.

"Well… he wouldn't depend on anyone he doesn't trust. He needs you for everything. Council and support and wisdom-"

"And food! Poison!" The scratching sound filled the room as Leon's heart plummeted.

Merlin still didn't understand.

"Ah… yes. That's one thing. But Merlin, he-"

"-Uses me for everything! I mend his armour, I fetch his food, I prepare his weapons, I prepare the horses-"

And suddenly Leon understood.

Merlin wasn't hurting because he'd had to save himself.

He was hurting because he thought Arthur didn't care enough to save him.

He thought his closest friend in the world didn't love him-didn't care what happened to him.

Memories flashed through Leon's mind, each a stab to his heart.

The panic in Arthur's eyes as Merlin hands clawed at his throat, as Merlin collapsed.

The desperation in his voice as he tore through healing books.

His protective stance over Merlin on his every night life shift.

The way his whole posture softened when he saw Merlin laughing. The wild hatred when he realized what they'd done to Merlin.

The world crushing fear in his eyes after every battle when they couldn't find Merlin.

The gentleness in his hands as he guided Merlin back to bed.

The tremor in his voice as ordered Merlin survive.

The way,

the smile,

the pain,

thethethe

Merlin.

Memory after memory pulsed through his blood, only one thought throbbing in his skull.

Merlin. Doesn't. Know.

Merlin doesn't know.

The scratching continued to echo mindlessly.

Leon's heart bled.

Merlin, the kindest, bravest, purest soul he knew, didn't know he was everything to Arthur. He didn't know he was Arthur's council. His wisdom. His strength. His brother.

He thought he was just a servant.

"Merlin, Merlin, listen to me- you don't understand!"

He had to tell him! He had to make him understand!

"No, I-"

"No-you don't! Merlin, you aren't just a Servant- he cares about you, Merlin. He trusts you more than anyone else in the world. You mean everything to him-he loves you!"

Silence. The writing stopped. Time held still.

Leon held his breath, his heart thrumming against its cage. Desperation flooding his veins. He has to know- he had to understand. Oh Merlin, please understand!

"So…" Merlin began, slowly, hesitantly.

For the first time since he'd started speaking, sounding unsure. Hope pulsed through Leon.

He was finally understanding!

"I'm his greatest weakness?"

Leon's heart stopped, skipped a long-terrible beat.

He still didn't understand.

Before he could comprehend what this meant, Merlin ripped him from his thoughts, launching himself off the bed.

"Merlin- where are you going?"

The answer came immediately-stealing his breath like he'd been clubbed in the stomach.

"To kill the King."

Leon's first training lesson had been only a fortnight after his father's death. The training field Old Knight Renlend had gathered them to still smelled of smoke. Leon had come determined to throw himself into his lessons and learn everything he could so no innocent would ever feel the flames again. But Renlend hadn't started on drills like he'd expected. He'd thrown their wooden staffs into a pile and told them to sit down. Then he said something that Leon would remember for the rest of his life.

"Boys," he'd said "one day, something is going to go really wrong. Unimaginably, indescribably, terribly wrong. It won't matter how hard I train you or how fierce warriors you become- something will go wrong. And when that happens, the people will look to you- it won't be fair, but they will look to you for what to do next. And you won't know. Your whole world will have just been shaken-don't scoff, Your Highness! You will be scared. You will be hurting. And you will have people still alive who need you to know what to do. When that moment comes, boys, I want you to take a breath and count to ten-then count again if you have too, because when you open your eyes you'll have to get to work."

Leon had taken the old knight's words to heart that day, and had used the advice many times since. It had always helped him. Until today.

No matter how many times he closed his eyes and counted to ten, when he opened them again, there was still nothing a mostly-blind clotpole of a Knight could do to help Merlin. He'd already tried and failed.

But, bedridden and utterly useless as he was- it was all he could do.

He was on his three thousandth, seven hundredth and second try when he unwillingly drifted off.

Leon's first realization when he woke up was that he wasn't in Merlin's bed anymore. As he looked around at the shadowy trees reaching up to the ink black sky, he realized he could see.

His eyes darted around, taking in the strange dark woods around him- an ominous feelingly settling heavily into his heart. The woods were still. No rustling, no movement, no animal calls. The whole world seemed cast into shadows, shadows that twisted and slinked in the impossible dark.

What was he doing here? How did he get here? Where was here? And why could he see?! And why was the world so dark?

A crack! tore through the woods and Leon jumped- his hand darting for his belt, but he started again when he saw it. In his belt gleamed the shiniest hilt he'd ever seen- it glittered up at him, reflecting back his shocked face. Leon's eyes traveled up his body, he was helpless to stop them- stunned senseless by what he saw. It was armor of the highest caliber and craftsmanship imaginable. It was unscathed, unscratched, by all definitions, it was perfect. It gleamed, no, it shone! Blinding white light seemed to pulse from it, illuminating the air around him, making him seem to shine like the sun.

Confusion spun within him- so dizzying he couldn't even figure what he should be thinking. What-how-why-?!

What do you need to do? Renlend's words echoed in his head, the familiarity grounding him. Clarity buzzed in his mind. He was a soldier. He had to figure out what he needed to know so he could respond however necessary-that was his mission.

With new purpose filling him, Leon felt himself anchor back into time.

Screams filtered through his consciousness -reverberating through the woods themselves- sending his hand flying to the foreign gleaming hilt and his head snapping up to see-

Merlin stood a few feet away- unmistakable -but wrong.

He didn't wear his usual neckerchief and jacket, instead he was dressed in a black cloak that seemed to seep into the ground beneath him. He stood hunched, as though the weight of the world rested on his shoulders and he just couldn't carry it. His usually bright blue eye burned gold. His normally milky white hands were stained bright scarlet.

Leon stood, staring, completely stunned.

His mind whirled. The world itself seemed to twist beneath his feet as hundreds of realizations and questions and implications darted through his head.

Then Merlin spoke. So far away. Impossible, compared to the explosion warring through him. But some tiny, buried part of him must've heard.

"Please-" Merlin whispered. His voice was nearly drowned beneath the screams still twisting in the air, grating at his soul. But Leon heard it.

Leon froze.

He knew that voice.

Merlin looked completely different- Leon's mind screamed it was wrong!

But he knew that voice.

He knew that tremble.

He knew that desperation-that thinly veiled terror- the thickness of barely suppressed tears.

The Merlin in front of him was wrong- terribly, impossibly, sickeningly wrong!

But it was Merlin.

"Merlin?" Leon gasped.

"Please…" Merlin whispered again.

Every part of Leon writhed- he was a war of thoughts and emotions, fears and questions- all tearing through him like he was a weak weed in a winter storm. Normally he would be able to stop the storm, take a breath and get to work. Shove the fear away and focus on what needed to be done. Mourn the dead when he'd saved the living.

But he couldn't.

He was as helpless as the child, so many fears flooding him he couldn't even open his mouth to express them.

Why are we here? Why is the world dark? What happened? What's wrong? Why am I dressed so strangely? Why is the place haunted by screams? Where is everyone else? Are they okay? Why can't I remember? Are you okay?

The last one stopped the flood. Silenced the storm. Froze time.

Are you okay?

He clearly wasn't.

Dressed as night.

Face twisted in fear beyond description.

Gold eyes old beyond time filled with tears.

Voice breaking as he begged for help.

Blood staining his hands.

And suddenly Leon's whole world stopped.

His questions, his fears, everything vanished- leaving only one thing behind.

One thought echoing in his mind.

Ome emotion grounding him to the earth.

One drive pumping his heart,

One purpose pulsing through his veins.

He didn't know what or where or how, but in that moment he knew he would do anything, move any mountain, fight forever, instantly give his life-

Save Merlin.

But Merlin's next words stopped his whole world.

"Please, Please Leon, I know you hate me-but for him… Please Leon-kill me! Please- kill me before I kill him! Please..."

Darkness suffocated his vision and the screams intensified.

Leon crashed upright, eyes tearing open, fists clawing at the sheets, chest heaving, screams still ringing in his ears, tears streaking down his cheeks.

The room stared back, unfamiliar-not his, but then the world began seeping back into him. Merlin's room. In the infirmary. He was hurt. In Merlin's bed. Clutching Merlin's sheets.

It must've been a dream.

Leon wipes his damp face vigorously, still gulping air, desperately trying to calm himself.

A dream.

It was just a dream.

The shadows and the screams and M- No! It was just a dream! Heaven only knew what was in those potions Gaius had been giving him to-

For the second time in as many minutes- the world stopped.

Giving him to restore his sight.

Slowly, time holding its breath, Leon took his hands away from his face and opened his eyes.

No amount of training could have stopped his gasp.

The orange fire in the dusty hearth. The pale silver light streaming from the crack in the brown curtains. Books haphazardly strewn across the floor. Green potions glittering on the three-legged stool by the bed.

The empty cot.

He could see.

And Merlin was gone.

The world started violently and thoughts assaulted him.

It doesn't mean anything- your spooked from the dream, you need to think logically. Maybe Gaius's potions worked. That's what their supposed to do and they did it. And Merlin could be gone doing anything. He could be at the privy or Gaius might've cleared him or he could be out on a stroll or talking to Arthur-

The last wild thought triggered memories. Memories that were so terribly wrong and now so horribly right. Memories he hated.

'Ways to kill Arthur'.

Blue eyes burning gold.

'How would you kill a King?'

The screams.

Blood staining his hands.

'Kill the king'.

Leon's blood froze.

Merlin left to kill Arthur.

Merlin left to kill Arthur.

Arthur's closest friend-his little brother-was going to kill him.

Leon's heart bled.

Another betrayal.

Another person Leon had failed.

Another person he loved turned enemy.

This would break them.

All of them.

Arthur. Gwen. Gaius. Hunith. Gwaine. Lancelot. Elyan. Percival. The servants. The knights. The town. The crown. Him.

Everyone loved him.

And he'd betrayed them all.

I failed. I promised I would watch and protect them but I failed. I couldn't save him. And now He's just like Morgana!

Despair and hatred and grief tore through him. He wanted to curl up and cry. Go back in time to whatever went so horribly wrong for his friend and fix it. Go back and recognize Merlin's plots for the last plea for help that they were and hug him. Stop him.

Now it was too late.

Those teachings from all those ages ago filled his mind.

Sorrow and grief deeper than words could describe burned through him.

Leon did the only thing he knew to do.

He took a breath and began counting.

One

Merlin is going to kill Arthur.

Two

I've failed my King- I let him die!

Three

I've failed my brother- I didn't recognize his pleas for help!

Four

I've failed my brothers and now it's too late!

Five

Merlin is going to kill Arthur.

Six

Merlin is going to kill Arthur.

Seven

He hasn't killed him yet.

Eight

Arthur's still alive!

Nine

I haven't failed him- it's not too late!

Ten

I can still save Arthur!

He opened his eyes- none the braver or wiser or calmer, but Renlends's words echoed in his mind.

'Open your eyes and get to work. Do what you have to do. Focus on who you can save. Then you mourn the dead.'

Leon swung his feet over the edge, gravity grounding him, grabbing the sword propped up beside the bed.

Save Arthur.

Do what you have to do.

Then mourn the dead.

Leon took off running.

Leon didn't know where to go- didn't know if Arthur was even still alive. But he had to try, so he took off for the King's chamber.

He ran, the halls and people blurring inconsequentially past.

He ran faster than ever before.

Faster than he'd run after his father.

Faster than he'd run from dragons or to armies.

He fought against time, desperate for it to be fast enough.

He ran.

When he reached the hall to the king's chambers he forced himself to slow. Merlin couldn't hear him approach or he would fail.

He darted down the hall as softly as he could. Surprise dawning inside his chest as he realized the others from the Round Table crowded in the King's open doorway.

Yes-he'd have help! Relief ebbed the aching of his grieving heart. The Round Table has yet to fail when they fought together. But the relief was immediately chased away by confusion.

Why were they gathered in the doorway? Why weren't they fighting and protecting Arthur? For a moment, Leon doubted this was the place. Maybe he'd gotten it wrong.

But no, he dismissed that thought immediately- this was it. His blood pounded with Adrenalin. His heart throbbed with dread and grief. This was it.

He joined them, falling into step behind Elyan who whipped around and threw his charcoal hand over Leon's mouth. Lean's eyes bulged, his hand instinctively tightening on his sword. Then he saw the wild panic in Elyan's face and the grip relaxed.

"What-" he whispered behind the hand but Elyan shook his head hard, eyeing the room meaningfully.

Percival bowed his head next to Leon's ear and rumbled tearfully:

"Look."

Leon looked.

And time stopped.

The room before him held still, a terrible tableau frozen in time.

It was Guinevere he saw first. Across from the door, a heap of purple skirts on the floor, a hand covering her mouth as her shoulders shuddered and countless tears streaked down her cheeks. Her other hand clutched Lancelot's chest as she clung to him desperately. Lancelot knelt beside her enfolding her against him, his free pointing a shaking sword at Merlin, horror etched in his face.

Arthur stood in the center of the room, excalibur at his feet, hands raised in surrender. Worry and concern beyond description burned in his eyes, a steel sword point at his heart.

Why was he concerned? It didn't make sense-

"Why isn't he fighting? Why hasn't he-" Leon stopped. He couldn't say it. He'd come here to do it- but he couldn't say it. But they knew what he meant. Gwaine, hand clutching his sword, not tearing his eyes away from the terrible scene ahead, growled:

"Look at Merlin. His neck."

So Leon looked. Past the wicked grin. Past the pale arm holding the sword. Past the shaggy black hair. Past everything that made Merlin Merlin- past every facade and sincere effort and kind eyes and lies he'd ever believed- to Merlin's neck. His eyes froze, staring.

Merlin's neck was bulging and writhing! Twisting and swelling and moving!

Necks didn't move!

Not unless-

Magic.

Leon was immediately swept away by the flood of right! that billowed through him.

It explained everything!

The way his voice had sounded so gleeful as he talked about killing Arthur-the way he talked about killing Arthur! The blood, the screams, the way that terrible grin split across his face-

Relief filled him, expanding his heart. Soothing it's aches, coursing through his blood to every fiber of his being. His head spun with the lightness of it.

Merlin was good! The same brave, clumsy, kind, sarcastic, selfless Merlin he'd always been!

He hadn't been fooled-he hadn't failed!

Another thought dawned in his euphoria-

Of course Merlin knew they loved him! Of course he knew how much they cared-how important he was to them!

It was only the magic making him think they didn't.

The weight Leon hadn't realized he'd carried with that worry tumbled off of him, making him seem impossibly lighter.

Everything was going to be okay.

"It's magic-" he breathed, his relief burning in his voice. "He's been cursed!" Leon smiled-how easy this was! They didn't have to kill their brother!

"Right men, this won't be hard- Elyan, you and I will sneak up behind him and hold him, you'll take the sword. Percival, you come up behind us and once we have the sword, I need you to knock him on the head- quick and painless. Gwaine- you go for Gaius-"

"Are you stupid?! I'm not going to kill him!" Gwaine growled, spinning around-Leon tore away from the room ahead, surprised by the ferocity in the knight's voice. Even more surprise twisted inside him as he realized Gwaine's eyes were full of tears.

"Of course we're not going to kill him-" Leon started, dread pooling in his stomach.

No. This was easy. Merlin was good! Everything was going to be okay!

"Look!" Gwaine hissed, pointing a finger, not at Merlin- but at the wall behind the Queen and Lancelot. Leon looked. And paled.

There, mounted on the wall was a loaded crossbow. The trigger was wrapped by a thin string that was tied to Merlin's wrist. One wrong move and the arrow would release- and slam into Merlin's chest.

'I'm his greatest weakness?'

What had he done?!

Horror too terrible to define tore through Leon.

This was all his fault!

"Merlin, Merlin-let's talk about this-" Arthur's voice, breaking with worry.

He'd given Merlin the idea!

"There's nothing to talk about! I'm going to kill you-and if you try to stop me I'll die!"

No matter what they did- any path they took-

"But Merlin, if you die you can't kill me!" Desperation bled into his voice. His usually stoic face was twisted with terror- his eyes wide, his brows furrowed, his voice wobbling.

"But see, that's the thing-" Merlin laughed "even if I pull the trigger- you'll still be the one who dies!"

One of them would die.

Nothing could change it- fate was set and time was marching it's terrible path and Leon couldn't save them!

Tears filled his eyes and he realized the inescapable truth that they would lose. One would die.

He'd always vowed he would die defending the innocent- but there was nothing he could do!

He knew it. Knew one of them would die. He was powerless to stop it.

But Merlin's next words still broke his world.

"Here, let me show you-"

Merlin jerked his arm back.

Time held still as it exploded forward. Inched at a crawl as it raced ahead.

Merlin grinned. Arthur's eyes clouded with indescribable fear.

The arrow released.

Time restarted and they were on the ground, the sword sliding away, Arthur covering Merlin-an arrow protruding from his back.

Arthur had been shot.

Arthur had been shot.

Arthur had been shot.

Arthur. Had. Been. Shot.

Arthur, Leon's closest friend, his brother, his commander, his charge, his king had been shot.

Time didn't stop this time. The world didn't stop spinning.

But Leon couldn't move.

Guinevere gasped. Sobbed into Lancelot's chest. Lancelot stared in horror. Percival gasped raggedly, couldn't breath. Elyan locked stiff as a board. Gwaine raced across the cobblestones- skidding to his knees at their side- hands reaching out unsure how to help- like he thought he could help.

Time continued its cruel dance- a crimson stain spreading on Arthur's tunic. Guinevere's sobs and Merlin-

Buried underneath the king, Merlin said in a small, confused, croaky voice:

"Arthur? What's going on?"

The spell had been fulfilled and Merlin was free again.

Whatever tiny fragment of hope he'd held in his heart shattered.

Merlin wouldn't be free if the magic didn't know Arthur was dead.

Merlin craned his head around Arthur's shoulder, struggling against Arthur's weight, then he saw the arrow.

He froze.

Leon watched, unable to move as the confusion clouding Merlin's eyes faded. As it morphed to understanding and horror. As tears filled his eyes- so many Leon couldn't even see their color.

Merlin began writhing beneath Arthur, struggling to get out as tears streamed down his face. Gwaine spring to action beside them, rolling the unconscious -dead?- king against his chest, propping him up. Arthur moaned -alive- as Merlin scrambled out from under him, kneeling beside them.

"Hold him tightly- don't let him move, I have to break the shaft so we can get him on his back. That should help slow the bleeding- hold on, Arthur- please-" Leon's heart broke as Merlin's voice trembled. Gwaine nodded and tightened his hold. Merlin took a shaky breath, steeling himself. Then he reached out lightening fast, grabbed the shaft close to Arthur's back and snapped it in two.

Arthur tightened against Gwaine's hold, eyes tearing open, a terrible inhuman scream ripping through him. Merlin began to tremble. His shoulders began to shake as the tears fell faster.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry- Arthur, 'm so sorry-" he whimpered, his hand coming to his mouth, trying uselessly to stifle his sobs.

Arthur panted heavily against Gwaine, groaning tightly, as though trying to restrain his cries.

"Merlin, Merlin- fix him!" Gwaine shouted, eyes wild with grief and desperation.

Merlin whimpered again, fisting the hand around his mouth and yanking it away, leaving his sobs unmuffled for them to hear. He turned to Arthur and Gwaine, helping the knight shift the king to the ground. Arthur screamed once at the contact before cutting it off with a strangled moan, snapping his mouth closed.

Merlin and Gwaine went still as they saw the arrow head protruding from his chest.

From his heart.

Tears streaked down Leon's cheeks. He wanted to run to his king. To fall to his side and fix him like Gwaine had screamed. To cry. To pledge he would protect the others and make him proud. To run for Gaius like Merlin was screaming at them, begging them too.

But he couldn't.

Merlin was free and the king was dead.

And he couldn't move.

Gwaine rose to his feet and charged through the doorway, shoving into them. To get Gaius.

For a dead man.

Arthur opened his eyes, breathing raggedly, his blue orbs clouded and confused. Then they trailed up and found Merlin's and they froze. Simply stared as his servant above him sobbed and gasped useless nothings and apologies.

The confusion in his eyes slowly cleared, replaced with realization.

"... hold on Arthur, please… just hold on… Gaius is coming- he'll fix you, I promise. I promise. Please Arthur… I'm so sorry…"

"Your alive." Arthur's croak drowned in relief.

"I'm sorry, Arthur, I'm so sorry… this is all my fault! If I hadn't-"

"Your okay!" Arthur gasped. Then his elated expression slowly faded as he understood Merlin's words.

"Merlin-" he started but Merlin kept rambling desperately above him.

Slowly, the action clearly excruciating, Arthur lifted a hand and grabbed Merlin's arm. Merlin froze, his eyes snapping first to the hand on his arm, and then to Arthur.

"Merlin," Arthur started again, his voice lathered in pain but with a certainty that commanded attention.

"Gaius can't- save me."

Merlin's trembled harder than ever as he shook his head.

"No, no no no- Gaius is coming, just hold on… please…"

Arthur shook his head slowly, grimacing. Tightening his hold.

"No, Merlin… I'm dying."

Millions of miles away, Leon knew the rest grieved. Could feel the same grief tearing his heart apart. Could hear it in the sobs that echoed through the room. But all of it seemed pale in the face of the pain and guilt burning from their brother as their family lay dying in his arms.

"No, no, no no no!" Merlin screamed the last word, hands clutching Arthur like his desperation could stop fate's terrible march.

"No, I won't let you, don't you dare-" wild hope seemed to Emirates from the servant as he pressed his hands to Arthur's chest, near the terrible arrow.

Then his eyes flashed gold.

Merlin had magic.

Merlin had magic.

And he was using it to try and save Arthur.

Arthur's eyes bulged and he stared up at his manservant in complete, dumbfounded shock- seemingly pulled from his own death by the surprise.

Merlin didn't notice. His golden eyes still flooded with tears as he spoke strange sounds in terrible guttural sobs.

"Sana eum- ut pro me!"

Merlin's eyes tore down to Arthur- as if expecting to see him whole. But red was still seeping beneath him and his breathing was still slowing.

Merlin's face fell and he screwed his eyes shut, desperation bleeding into his voice as he tried again.

"Ut pro me! Vita est vita!"

Arthur remained unhealed.

The shock in his eyes melted away, replaced with understanding. Then understanding bled into worry as Merlin's trembling intensified and he washed white.

"Merlin?" He croaked, tightening his hold on Merlin's arm and shaking him.

"Merlin?" Gold shone from behind Merlin's closed lids as blood began to dribble out of his mouth.

Arthur's eyes widened, wild.

"Merlin?! Stop-" Arthur begged- shaking him like he could pull him free. He still didn't heal.

"Ego dabo tibi animam meam!" More blood- he was swaying violently now. Merlin screamed.

"Your killing yourself- stop! You can't save me!"

Whatever desperate hope Leon hadn't realized he'd been clinging to shattered as Arthur's word slammed reality into his face.

The spells weren't working.

If Merlin continued he would die.

Leon would lose them both.

Merlin stopped.

He swayed and blinked. The gold faded to blue as he looked down.

He saw Arthur was still dying.

He crumpled, the hope in his eyes crushed under grief as a terrible, inhuman cry tore from him.

"No- no please, please not again- please!" Merlin bent in on himself, as if unable to hold himself up any longer. His entire body racked with sobs. His tears splashed into the scarlet pool beneath them. His sobs echoed through the room, through the castle, through time itself.

"Merlin- Merlin!" Arthur shook his friend's arm, his eyes seemed- tranquil?

Merlin latched onto Arthur's hand on his arm and clung to it like a lifeline as he shattered.

"Merlin," Arthur grunted, his eyes drifting upwards into the back of his head before snapping back to his breaking servant.

"Idiot... look at...me." The command seemed to fragile. Yet stronger than steel.

Slowly, still splintering, Merlin looked at their King.

Arthur cracked a smile, a lopsided grimace.

"There you… go. Now, Merlin- I know this is… ngh… I know this seems like it's-" He let out a muffled groan, his face darkening with pain, before grunting and continuing raggedly. "-like this is your fault…" but it's… it's not-" Merlin whimpered- his tears were streaming as fast as the blood.

Arthur tightened his hold and firmly shook his head.

"It's not. Morgana cursed you and I- I couldn't let you… your my brother, Merlin. I-augh couldn't lose you."

Merlin sobbed inconsolable.

Arthur's own eyes were swimming with tears as he looked away from his manservant. His eyes wandered the room, sadness burning in them as he saw their grief. They finally stopped.

At Leon.

"Leon," He croaked and Leon's heart broke even as he straightened and pressed a fist to the dragon clasp on his cape in salute.

"Sire. I'm here." His voice trembled- he couldn't stop it.

"As my… my last act as King… I, Arthur Pendr-agon, King Of Camelot… hereby… in front of five wit-nesses of my… of my court... abolish all laws against... magic. They're free." Their gasps echoes in his ears but Arthur's words rang in Leon's heart, triggering memories to flash through his mind.

The druids healing his first love.

Gwen and Elyan's sobs.

His father's words- his own promise.

Ash and burning flesh heavy in the air.

Merlin growing pale and weak as he used the forbidden art to save the King.

It was time.

But Arthur wasn't done. He continued his halting rasp.

"I name… my wife…" he looked away from Leon to her, who, still sobbing helplessly, pulled away from Lancelot to meet his eyes. He smiled, fresh tears falling down his cheeks as his eyes filled with a love beyond description. She whimpered when she saw it, crying harder.

"I name her my heir… and the… Queen of Camelot… I love you, darling-" Then he collapsed back against the stone. His eyes clouding and crossing, his breathing it's last rattle.

Time held its breath, waiting.

Tears blurred Leon's vision and he blinked them away violently- loathing to watch, needing to see.

Arthur started up at the ceiling, a slow smile spreading across his face.

"Mother?" He rattled breathlessly.

Then he frowned, his eyes flitting around unseeingly.

"Yours in life?" He asked softly-anxiously.

Leon had thought his heart had already been ripped from him. He'd thought it had snapped when he saw the arrow in Arthur's back. He'd thought it'd torn when Merlin couldn't save him. He'd thought it'd shattered when he heard Guinevere's sobs. He'd thought it'd died as Arthur abolished magic and freed every innocent he'd ever fought for.

He'd thought that was surely as bad as a heart could break.

He'd been wrong.

His brother's desperate plea ripped him. Snapped him. Tore him. Shattered him. Killed him.

It was the soldiers parting.

He opened his mouth and choked down the lump in his throat, summoning whatever pathetic strength he had left.

"Yours in death."

Arthur's face smoothed in relief and his eyes drifted to the ceiling one last time.

He exhaled and the hand holding Merlin's arm slumped to the stone.

They sobbed as his body grew cold.

He hadn't left a note.

He didn't matter enough for anyone to care anyway.

He would've blinked his tears away, but he didn't care to see the pool of red around him.

He didn't care about anything anymore.

I failed, My Love.

The darkness crowded in. It felt fitting, right.

I'll finally get what I deserve.

Arthur had deserved to see his mother waiting for him.

Merlin deserved the black promise of hell.

I'm coming.

The world went dark.


	6. The Last Letter

After the indescribable pain of the actual _dying_ bit ended, being dead wasn't so bad.

Until Merlin decided to join him.

Because now- laying crumpled on the stone floor of the cramped closet Gaius called a bedroom, was the brother he'd _died_ to protect.

Dying.

His mortality slipping away with every drop of blood that seeped out of him.

"No!" Arthur shouted, lunging to Merlin's side- his hands reaching out- he had to do something!- he had to save him! But he yanked them back.

The dead couldn't interact with the living.

Dread writhed in his veins. _I can't save him!_

He knelt there uselessly, idiotically frozen above the tableau he'd never imagined he'd have to see.

Merlin's tears splashed into the pool of red around them as his eyes screwed shut, a ragged whimper escaping him. Arthur felt his heart break as he watched helplessly as his best friend began thrashing. He'd watched too many soldiers die. Merlin only had moments.

"No- no- please Merlin… you have to go back-" _Your supposed to be safe. I did this so you'd be safe-_

The need to touch him- Comfort him! Protect him!- seared under his skin but he forced himself to hold back.

The dead couldn't interact with the living.

He knew that. Torturing himself by trying wouldn't change anything.

_But what if you can? _A tiny part of him worried. _What if he's going through the worst pain of his life alone because of your selfish cowardice?_

Tears sprung to his eyes even as he shoved the thought away. _Focus, Pendragon!_

But it was true. He didn't dare touch him. Not because watching the man he loved most endure the worst pain possible didn't hurt worse then when he'd endured it himself. Not because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to touch him again-

Because he was terrified he would.

The dead couldn't interact with the living.

"Don't you dare die on me- _don't you dare!_ You hold on! Hold-"

Merlin went still.

Dead.

_I'm so sorry._

Merlin was dead because he'd failed.

Then a terrible thought struck him, shoving his shock away and sparking a wild fear within him.

The others.

They would find Merlin's body soon.

This would break them.

_And I can't save them!_

"No!" He growled, forcing himself to steal a sharp breath.

He couldn't panic!

"You don't know that! They're strong. They'll heal. They'll be okay." He took another deep breath and unfisting the hands he hadn't realized he'd fisted.

"They'll be okay."

_But that's what you thought about him. _

That thought was the spark that sent him blazing out of control.

"Get ahold of yourself- Pendragons don't panic!"

But he was panicking.

Spiraling down and down and down.

Breaking into thousands of useless pieces because he'd thought they'd all be okay and then Merlin had killed himself and now he could lose them all and he couldn't lose them _but he couldn't do anything!_

_He'd tried._

His Mother had been everything he'd never dared to imagine- her embrace was warm and encompassing. And for a moment everything had been perfect. And then it was gone. And she'd pulled away with tears blurring in her beautiful blue eyes. And she'd told him he had to go back. His destiny was to return when Albion needed him most and that time was now.

So he'd come back. Not into some distant future like he might have expected.

But to his own funeral.

He'd tried demanding they pull his body off the pire- but they hadn't heard. And the flames didn't hurt him.

He'd tried wiping away his Love's tears- caressing her lovely cheeks - but the tears fell unhindered and her eyes stoically stayed on the embers.

He'd tried comforting Merlin but he couldn't find him.

He'd tried looking for him but he was too late.

He'd tried catching him but Merlin fell.

He'd tried stopping the blood but he bled.

He'd tried running for help but no one heard his screams.

He tried to hold his brother as he drifted away but his fingers grasped nothing.

He'd tried and tried and tried _and failed._

And now Merlin was dead.

And it was all his fault.

His control was slipping miles beyond his grasp so he clenched his fists and did the only thing he knew to do.

He took a breath and started counting.

One.

What did he have?

Two.

_Okay…. I've got… white ghost clothes that somehow aren't coated in blood...and...no shoes- no sword… nothing. I've got absolutely nothing._

Three.

What did he know?

Four.

_I know that I'm dead. I know that Merlin killed himself. I know that will break the people I love. I know I need to save them. But the dead can't interract with the living._

Five.

_So I can't do anything._

Six.

_Focus, Pendragon! What can you do?_

Seven.

_I can't interact with the living!_

Eight.

_I can't save any of them!_

Nine.

_Merlin's not living._

"Ten."

_I can save him._

After his tenth breath he tore open his eyes and squared his shoulders.

His heart bled but his mind was clear. He couldn't do anything to help the others.

But by God above, he'd do anything- tear down any wall, slay any dragon, wield any magic- he _would_ save Merlin.

Purpose thrumming in his veins, he clambered to his feet and looked down at his best friend's corpse. The sooner he stopped Merlin's pain the better.

"Merlin? Wake up." He waited expectantly for Merlin's, _er_, _dead self, _to obey his command and leave his body.

He didn't.

Arthur frowned. Obedience wasn't one of Merlin's strong suits, but he always responded when it mattered. Was something wrong?

"We don't have time for your laziness. As your king I'm ordering you to wake up!" He tried to make his tone commanding yet light- the man had just killed himself for heaven's sake!- but worry was beginning to seep inside him.

Was this normal? How long had he been asleep after his death? What if Merlin had been under too long? Had the pain somehow damaged him? Or what if the pain hadn't ended? What if his mind had simply retreated further under to hide from it? Could he still be suffering?

Arthur kicked him. Hard. His bare toes throbbed.

Merlin didn't respond.

The worry swelled inside him.

"C'mon...please-" He tried to lock the irrational fears away. _Focus, Pendragon! _

"Let's have you up, you lazy daisy." He tried Merlin's idiotic adage for the familiarity, but his voice was tight and the words comfortless.

Another terrible thought twisted into his conciousness- what if suicide was different? What if killing yourself earned you a different kind of eternity? What if Merlin was trapped in the fire forever? What if he never woke-

Merlin's eyes snapped open.

Relief thudded through Arthur's entire body- so intense and warm he almost missed Merlin's frown.

"Arthur? What's wrong? Are you alright?"

Was- was _he _alright? Merlin had just killed himself and he was asking if _he_ was alright?!

"Merlin-" He started to say something along the lines of: _What do you think, idiot?! Of course I'm not! My best friend killed himself! I should be asking you that question!_ but he cut himself off when he saw genuine fear sparking in Merlin's eyes. He closed his eyes, biting back the surging anger and weighted questions.

_Keep calm you idiot! This isn't about you. It never should have been. This is about saving him. Deal with yourself later._

"We need to talk." He forced his voice to be calm and soft, but Merlin's eyes bulged, the fear melting into horror.

"Why? What's happening? What's wrong-?"

Arthur's heart lurched as Merlin staggered to his feet, pulling away from his body completely, his breathing shaky. _Storming great job, Arthur! Now he's terrified! _

"-Please tell me it's not Gwen!"

The image slammed into his head before he could block it. Gwen sobbing alone in their bed, draped in her black gown, Gwen lost and hopeless but still holding her head up and smiling because that's what _she always did_, Gwen desperate for any peace- taking a knife, crumpled in a pool of red ink, tears falling from empty eyes-

"- Please tell me she's safe-"

"I don't know!" He shoved the images out of his head but he could still smell the blood. Oh maiden's leg's he was standing in it! His stomach curled at the thought and he continued recklessly, unable to stop.

"I don't know anything, Merlin! I thought you were all doing okay and then you killed yourself!"

Merlin reeled back like he'd punched him. That was his signal to stop. He'd already done enough damage.

He couldn't stop.

"No… _I didn't-_"

"I don't have the answers! I don't know if their-_I don't know!_ I thought you would watch them! I never would've-" Arthur cut himself off with a curse but it was too late.

Merlin's eyes filled with tears and he shook his head desperately. They slipped down his cheeks as his hands started to tremble.

He'd made Merlin cry.

He was supposed to be storming saving him and he'd made him cry!

"_I'm sorry- I'm sorry-_" The words were barely desipherable through his gasping croaks and Arthur's heart splintered.

"I didn't mean that, Merlin. I'm the one who. It's not your fault-O_h dear God_…" The others could come any moment- and so far he'd done nothing but make him cry!

"We don't have time for this-" he started impatiently before forcing himself to shut up. _Don't take your anger out on him- your idiocy isn't his fault! Be calm and save him!_

He growled and straightened, trying to arrange himself to look calming. "We need to talk."

Merlin shook his head fervently, ignoring his tears.

"Not now! I'm really sorry I killed you and stole everything from you and you have every right to hate me, but the others need-" but Arthur exploded.

"I don't hate you because you stole everything from me-I hate you because you stole everything from yourself!"

No! Why did he keep hurting him?! _I don't hate you! I'm sorry, I didn't mean that-_

Merlin's breath hitched and he turned away from Arthur, angrily wiping at his tears.

A soft knock rapped on the Infirmary door

Arthur's heart sunk as Merlin twisted to the sound and stiffened straight as a board, his mouth falling open and horror dawning behind his tears.

"Oh no…" Merlin breathed.

They were here. _Great job, Arthur. This will definately make him feel better!_

He spun around as Lancelot stepped into the room beyond, his face solemn, with the ceremonial mourning cloak swirling behind him.

"Merlin?" Percival called softly, falling in behind him, his eyes rimmed with red, but his voice gentle and soft. Then the other knights followed them in, all wearing matching black clothes and desolate, but compasionate expressions. Even Gwaine had come. Arthur noticed he staggered a bit and full flask that was definately not his first. But he was here.

"We'll leave if you'd rather, we just wanted to check on you-" Leon said respectfully as he explored further inside, scanning over the first room.

"No, don't. Go back- you shouldn't have to see-" Merlin whispered softly, his tears still glittering in his blue orbs, but at least they didn't fall, seemingly dispelled by his dread.

They didn't respond to Merlin, just as Arthur knew they wouldn't. The dead couldn't interract with the living.

Gwaine frowned as he glanced over Gaius's empty bed.

"Maybe he's not here?"

Elyan shook his head.

"He has to be, he wasn't anywhere else. This is the last place we haven't checked."

"Merlin? Mate, where-" Gwaine started.

Lancelot's eyes finally landed on Merlin's corpse.

"_Merlin!?"_ Lancelot charged across the Infirmary, throwing Merlin's door open, darting obiviously through Arthur, and crashing to his knees into the blood.

"_What-_" Elyan gasped as their heads snapped after Lancelot.

Time stopped as each knight fought to comprehend the terrible truth.

The crumpled white body of their brother in the scarlet pool.

The guilty dagger still in his rust-stained clutch.

"Just leave me… go back… Gwen needs you…" Merlin swayed, a timeless pain burning in his eyes as they locked on Lancelot, who continued muttering so softly Arthur couldn't hear, numbly shaking his head,

Time slammed to a start.

Percival shook, staggering back and groping for something to support himself before he clumsily dropped to his shaking knees. Elyan pursed his lips together, shook his head firmly, as though resisting the truth would change it. Leon threw himself through the room, and smashing to Merlin's other side.

Gwaine's flask dropped to the ground, splashing it's contents onto the stone. But he just stood there. His eyes staring unseeingly ahead. Completely vacant.

Lancelot frantically pulled Merlin's wrist from the red, gasping as he saw the slits.

"Merlin? Merlin, can you hear me?" Leon grabbed his other hand and clasped it tightly, focusing on Merlin's face as scarlet dripped down his arms.

"I'm right here, I need you to stay with me, okay? Gaius is coming, he'll-" He spun back to the others, his eyes wild behind his Soldier Mask.

"Someone get Gaius! Gwaine!"

But Gwaine didn't move. His eyes buldged and glassed over.

"Gaius. Too late. Arthur's dead." he mumbled.

"Sir Gwaine!"

He didn't even blink. Arthur had a sinking feeling he couldn't. Elyan straightened, recognition dawning before he spun and darted for the door.

"Please tell me this isn't- he didn't… _is he?-_" Percival begged, still kneeling, tears streaking down his face.

"I don't-" Lancelot swallowed hard, dropping the hand and thrusting his fingers at Merlin's neck.

Arthur couldn't look anymore. He couldn't watch his brothers break.

He spun away from his knights and Merlin's corpse- but he turned just in time to see Percival crumple.

"No...NO!" The quiet gentle giant screamed. Dropping to his knees. Bending in agony. "_Not him too…"_

His heart bled as they broke.

"_Merlin… come back… I'll help you- please…." _

Leon slowly bends over Merlin's corpse, unable to carry the weight of his grief, his silent tears dropping into the red pool.

Gwaine stayed exactly the same. An empty husk with lifeless eyes.

He'd expected their grief to break him. But it didn't. His heart bristled and hardened as he heard Merlin's tearful protests.

"No. No. Lancelot- don't… why are you crying-?"

He wasn't broken, he realized as he looked up at the reason for their pain.

He was angry.

"What do you expect him to do?! _You killed yourself!_ I died so _you would live_ and you **threw it away!**"

Merlin cringed away from him, looking like Arthur had slapped him. But now his blood was boiling and he couldn't stop as more hard, hateful words spilled out.

"What were you thinking?! You can't just quit when things hurt- I never would've done it if I'd known it wouldn't matter! Now they've got to bury both of us! _How dare you make their pain worse?! _I'm sorry you were hurting- I am! But so are they! And they don't get to quit just because it's hard! Storms, Merlin! I needed you to protect them! _I trusted you!_ You were supposed to be there-!" Arthur's mind registered the tears slipping down Merlin's face and his shouts caught in his throat.

His anger died as quickly as it'd come, drowning under the hot rush of shame.

What had he done?!

_Stupid! Stupid! What were you thinking!? He was hurting- so much he thought death was better than living with the pain- how dare you attack him when he's broken?! How dare you expect more than he could give! He needed your love and you rejected him- blamed him! How dare you treat him like that!_

"Merlin-" he tried, forcing his voice to be low and gentle.

"Don't be sorry."

Arthur frowned at Merlin's voice. It was soft and colorless. Completely void of emotion. Completely contradictory to his previous reactions.

"I'm fine." He wasn't crying anymore, his eyes glazing over with an emptiness that sent dread writhing in the pit of Arthur's stomach. His instincts balked at Merlin's words.

Whatever he was, he was most definately not fine.

"Merlin?" He asked, cautiously stepping forward, the full realization of his servant's fragileness dawning inside him. Something was wrong.

"I'm always fine." He smiled slightly, a blank little thing that sent a terrible realization crashing through Arthur's whole being.

He'd broken Merlin.

And this was what was left.

Arthur perched on the edge of the table in the Infirmary, positioned in the only angle he could look after all of them.

Leon guarded the door, clinging desperately to some shred of normalcy to hold him together. But his grief slipped through the cracks. His posture was too tight. His sword hand trembled. His red-rimmed eyes fixed too-determinedly on Merlin's corpse.

Lancelot sat in the middle of the floor, his clothes still stained with Merlin's blood, crying salty droplets onto the untouched paper in his hands, surrounded by two snapped quills, and dozens of half-started, tear stained letters that all began: _Dear Hunith_

Percival sat in a chair in the furthest corner from Merlin's room, staring down at the ground, unable to bear looking at him, but unable to bear leaving him, shaking like a scared child, his tears dropping into Gwaine's salvaged flask.

Elyan, who had returned from his desperate quest with Gaius in tow, was the only one who could endure actually touching Merlin. He moved him to his bed and was in the process of wiping away the blood, slowly prepping him for his eventual funeral with with a mildly detached look on his face as his mind seperated him from his grief.

Gaius was blissfully asleep on his bed in the corner, the sedatives Leon had crammed down his throat to stop his spiraling hysteria giving him a few precious hours of peace.

Gwaine was gone. He hadn't said a word after Lancelot pronounced Merlin dead. He'd simply shaken his head as if trying to wake up, turned, and walked out. The violent clanging ringing up from the courtyard gave Arthur an idea of where he'd gone.

Merlin slouched exactly where Arthur had put him, pressed against the bookshelf opposite the table, staring out into nothing with no emotion.

He watched him the most. He worried about him the most. The way the others grieved he understood. Some of their methods weren't terribly healthy, but at least they were here.

Merlin was here too, but he wasn't.

He'd gone to a place Arthur couldn't find.

And he didn't know how to bring him back.

So he sat on his table, and watched. Powerless to save any of them. And for the first time since his Father's death, he prayed for a miracle.

He lasted maybe an hour before he came to the logical conclusion that God clearly didn't care about him.

Then a voice crashed into his head.

_**Please!**_

It was raw and desperate and _Merlin!_

Arthur lurched upright, his hands snatching at empty cloth where a scabbard should be and his eyes snapping over Merlin, hot fear and wild hope flashing inside his heart. But the emotions went cold as his eyes landed on the unchanged husk of his best friend. He closed his eyes against the bitter disapointement welling inside him and forced his hand away from his side.

He took a deep breath and was just wondering if maybe he'd been too quick to give up on the whole praying thing- when he heard it again:

_**Arthur, please- can you hear me? **_He sounded scared now- heartbroken.

Arthur lunged to his feet, because _it was him this time- _he knew it! His own heart twisted as adrenalin began to pound through him.

"I hear you- I'm here!"

His eyes roved the room, hunting for anything new, but everyone was still exactly where they'd been a moment ago.

Merlin wasn't here.

But he had to be!

"I can't find you! Come back, I'll fix this, I swear!" _I'm sorry. I never should have said those things. Come back. I swear I'll listen this time. Let me in... _

_**I'm not strong enough, it'll never end… its all my fault! **_Merlin's voice broke, disolved into tears and Arthur growled.

"Stay where you are! I'm coming!" He spun around the useless room again, hating himself even as he did. Honestly! Was he that much of an idiot!? What, did he hope the answer to his stupid prayers would just drop out of the sky?! Life had never been so kind. He had to think his way out.

_Think, think, think you idiot! _

But how could he save Merlin when he couldn't find him!

_**Please… save me…. It hurts so much**_

His brother was begging for his help and he was twirling in useless circles!

"I'm trying to find you! Hold on!"

He spun back to his friend and started as he realized he had changed. The previous vacancy in his eyes had faded into burning gold.

He barely registered that Merlin was using magic before the ground ripped away and he dropped into darkness.

He screamed, his stomach leaping to his throat as he plunged down into the empty black.

But then the black screamed back.

Hundreds of terrible, fractured, _tortured _screams that echoed around him-_tore into him_ like hot knives piercing his core.

They were everywhere- seeming to bleed from the darkness itself.

He fell for an enternity.

Just him and the screams.

The sound would haunt him forever. They rattled into his very soul.

Down and down and down he went.

His felt his control threatening to crumble away with every agonizing second.

But he refused to let it go, clinging to it with everything he had left. Clutching his shattered pieces together. He had to stay okay.

Because Merlin needed him.

And he would not let him become another wordless scream in the black!

He would not fail him again.

He repeated this mantra again and again and again, refusing to focus on everything else- the screams or the black or the down-

Merlin needed him. He had to stay okay. Merlin needed him. He had to stay-

Then, just as suddenly as he started falling, he stopped, crashing into the ground.

Hard.

Ow.

He was testing his limbs to see if they still worked, when a new scream tore above the others.

It could have been anyone's scream, but deep in his bones, he knew.

He had to get to him! He scrambled up from the- Arthur stopped, gaping at the..._floor?_

It was black rock, like obsidian, but not. It was soft-thick ink beneath his feet- alluring and inviting, like he could just sink into it if he wanted, promising safety in its depths...

_No! _He had to find Merlin!

He snapped his head up, breaking the slippery chains that had been about to pull him to a place the screams promised he didn't want to see.

His eyes widened impossibly bigger as he took in the rest of the world around him. Everything around him was black, dark shadows of trees touching a night sky without stars. He spun around- maybe it would be different somewhere else- but it was the same on all sides, black pressing in on him from every angle-

How had Merlin wandered here? And if he was strong enough to bring Arthur in, why couldn't he take himself out? Was he hurt somewhere? Could this _black _be somehow killing his ...whatever part of him wasn't dead? Was it the reason Merlin sounded so broken and scared?

He could feel his control slipping again and he locked his panicked thoughts away- Merlin needed him!

_Focus, Pendragon! Where is he? _He spun around again, searching for any sign of his brightest light in the darkness, but all he could see was the too-still ebony trees.

"Merlin!" He screamed into the screams. He didn't know what he expected, but it wasn't for the screams to stop.

But they did.

And for an instant it was suffocatingly silent.

Then they broke free of whatever had held them back and assulted the very world around him even stronger than before.

He cracked, felt his control slip away into the black.

How could he fight against the excruciating screams?

He groaned, his hands going to his ears, wishing it would stop the way their echoes lanced through his head. Would they never end? They peirced his armour- and left him defensless at their mercy. He couldn't think in the invading cocaphony of pain. He wanted to cover his ears and slip into the refuge the ground promised. He'd do anything to keep the screams away. How could he possibly find Merlin in this terrible place?!

"Merlin-!" _I'm sorry. I tried. I can't find you. It hurts so bad-_

But the voices died.

His was the only echo in the hush.

He stopped, shock tingling through him like an electric spark.

Had he stopped the screams?

"Merlin- I'm here! Where are you?" He waited anxiously, dread pounding in his veins, hands still shoved over his ears, trying to brace himself for the attack when they came back.

But they didn't.

The world was quiet.

Somehow, in some impossible way, the screams stopped when he talked.

Well, if it was that easy, he could talk more than the idiot clotpole himself.

"Okay, there, isn't that a bit better? You can probably think now…" He spun around again, _because apparently_ _it was all he knew to do_, searching the black forest for any change now that the screams were gone. But nothing had changed.. It was just him and the trees.

"...I bet in a few minutes you'd probably be strong enough to get us out of here…" Hope blossomed in his heart at the thought.

That was manageable. Merlin would get them out.

He just had to get to him.

Easy.

As soon as he could find him…

"Just shout out when you hear me, alright?" He started walking in a random direction. It couldn't be worse then spinning in circles, right?

"Think of it as a game, how's that? Gwaine's seek game…" He wasn't paying much attention to his words. Where was he?

_**Please…**_ Arthur jolted, scanning around, but he was alone.

_**Help me… **_His voice was barely a broken whisper, almost drowned in the opressive still.

"I'm trying! I can't find you!" Where was he?! He'd brought Arthur to him so _why couldn't he find him!_

_**It'll never end…. **_Pain lanced through his heart as questions pounded in his head. What wouldn't end? The screams were gone! All that was left was the black and of course it was creepy, but it was hardly the worst thing Merlin had faced!

...Right?

He couldn't fight the terrible twist in his stomach that whispered he was wrong.

_**All my fault…**_

"Hang on- I'm almost there!" Lies.

Where was he?!

He was spinning again. Like it had done him any good before! He cursed and roved the dark for the fading whisper.

But there was nothing but black and black and- he stopped, his eyes locked on a flicker.

Surely he'd imagined it, it couldn't be him…

He charged toward it.

"I'm coming, I see you, I'm coming-"

He didn't know what he was saying.

He scrambled across the slick ground, refusing to blink in case the glint vanished- he couldn't lose him again!

He prayed, more desperately then he'd ever prayed before. _Please be him. Please be him. Please be him. _ Because if it wasn't him, this hell would destroy them both. He didn't want to be destroyed. Not here. Not in this cold world with no light and no hope and the screams of the haunted as his only memorial-

It was him!

Arthur stopped.

He couldn't help it. He should have kept moving- Merlin was right there!-But he couldn't make his legs move.

He could only stare.

A black cloak draped off of him, probably the reason he hadn't seen him in the dark. Sobs wracked his body as bent under a weight Arthur couldn't see. His _blood red _hands fisted against his mouth while his molten eyes swam with tears.

Arthur's heart went cold.

This wasn't his Merlin.

It was his lanky body, his too-pale skin, his awkwardly sized ears.

But it was wrong. _Wrongwrongwrong-_

His Merlin radiated light. Made everyone feel a little better. Wore a flimsy brown jacket and a neckerchief and a stupid world outside could be chaos and splintering at the seems but Merlin was always strong anyway. But this Merlin wasn't. His light was gone and his smile was dead and his hands were stained with an impossibility Arthur couldn't understand.

He wasn't his Merlin at all.

But that wasn't what was so _wrong._

Because what knocked his breath away, turned his blood to ice, felt so horrorfyingly, impossibly _wrong-_

Was the terrible sinking feeling that this was the first time he'd ever really seen his Merlin.

The screams started again- infitely worse after the lull of false security and Merlin flinched, sobbing harder.

Something snapped into place inside Arthur.

This was his Merlin.

And he still needed him.

He ran toward the wrong.

"Merlin-" the screams cut off- his shout echoing through the heavy silence.

"I'm here- I'm here! Look up- I'm coming!"

Merlin didn't respond.

He ran with everything he had until he was there- Merlin was right there! Right within his reach. Finally! _Finally!_

His heart swelled with an emotion too complex to define and he dropped to his knees beside his brother.

"I'm here, I'm right here, Merlin" He was close enough to touch- dear God, he'd found him! He could do this.

Merlin still didn't respond, transfixed with the ground beneath him as though it was showing him the end of the world.

"Merlin?" He frowned, the _wrong_ feeling creeping into his bones.

No! This was good, this was easy- He'd already died! What more did he have to do before God stopped taunting him?!

Then Merlin spoke.

"_It's all my fault…"_

Arthur froze.

_It's all my fault._ Merlin had been saying that all along- but now a terrible realization was settling within him. His head was quiet, with only Merlin's words crashing through it.

_It's all my fault._

Suddenly it all made sense.

The screams. The memories Merlin thought condemed him.

They weren't. They were proof of all he'd endured. Arthur knew that. Of course he knew it! This was Merlin!

But he wasn't so sure anymore.

His blood went cold as a tiny, terrible part of him doubted.

What if it was true? Was he just like those who'd died? Blinded by his trust? It'd happened before.

_Again and again._ The one crucial mistake he _kept_ _making. _

_Father's soft smile._

_Hours hunting in the woods._

_The proud glint in his eyes when he thought Arthur couldn't see it._

_Morgana's cheeky retorts. _

_Training in the early mist. _

_Her laugh as he stood in stocks for her schemes._

He'd _known_ they were innocent! Defended them and fought for them and loved them!

But she'd hunted and broken everyone he cared about chasing a crown.

And he'd killed his mother and slaughtered thousands of innocents for his actions.

Even his beloved Guinevere had betrayed him.

But no-! _No! _Merlin wasn't like them! He was the one he could always count on! The one he'd always trusted! Through every war and accident and argument and betrayal- he'd always trusted Merlin!

But what if that was his biggest mistake?

Someone had made those people scream.

_It's all my fault! _

No- no! He shook his head feircly, fighting against the ugly doubt. _Pull yourself together, you idiot! He's Merlin! You married Guinevere even though she broke your heart! He's never betrayed you! You trusted people who didn't deserve it! At least trust the one who does! _This was Merlin. Merlin! If anyone had earned the opportunity to break his heart, it was Merlin.

The man who'd always stayed when he didn't have to. When everyone else left.

The man who bravely marched to battle by his side in only his stupid neckercheif and coat.

The man who didn't know the point of respecting kings or the virtue of silence.

The man who'd always dragged him out of his misery and forced him to keep going when everything else was dark and hopeless.

The man who never stopped, as though he couldn't let himself.

The lost look in his eyes when he thought no one could see.

The man who plastered a smile across his face whenever something was wrong- so big and so thin.

His hallowness, pasty-white fragility.

Because he thought _it was all his fault._

That was it. The crux of it all. The last piece in a puzzle he finally understood.

All the Night-Living nights he'd just wanted to stand sentry by the doors of the people he loved.

All the Night-Living nights Arthur had found him accidentally aiming a sword at his heart.

Not an accident.

Because Merlin cried every time someone got hurt.

Because Merlin was always willing to throw his life away if it meant someone else would live.

And that realization sent a single convictions burned through Arthur's entire being.

_Merlin was innocent. _

And now it was finally Arthur's turn to save him.

"Merlin-" the screams ebbed away.

"I don't understand-" _I do. I finally do. I'm so sorry it took so long. _

"What are these shadows? Why is it so black? Why are the voices screaming- what happened to them?" _Please talk to me._

He tasted his tears. _Please. I'm here. I'll listen._

Merlin wept.

The realization broke his heart.

He reached out- moving to pull his brother into his arms but Merlin recoiled, his blurry blue pools snapping to Arthur and widening in horror.

**Don't touch me! **

"Please, Arthur, I don't want to hurt you- not again! I'm sorry your here, I shouldn't have brought you here. You were safe and I dragged you- _Dear God!_ Arthur… I'm so sorry. Go back. Please... Go back."

_Are you insane!?_ White- hot emotion flooded through Arthur's veins. Maybe it was anger. Maybe fear.

"I'm not leaving you here!"

Merlin shook his head fiercly, his biting sobs tearing through Arthur's heart as he continued on, begging desperately.

"This is my Hell, not yours! I shouldn't have brought you here- I'm so sorry! You never deserved the burden of my sins. _Like killing you wasn't bad enough!_ Go back!"

"No! I'm here. I won't ever leave you again." _I'm the one whose sorry, Merlin-_

"No! You have to go before you can't-"

"You called me here! You begged me to come and it took me forever to find you and I'm here! I won't leave you- come with me!" _Please Merlin! Just listen to me!_

But Merlin just kept splintering apart.

"I'm so sorry! I shouldn't- It just hurt _so much_… and their screams… No! I don't mean that. I never should have asked you to come. It was more of my selfish cruelty. This is what I deserve."

He had to tell him- listening wasn't working!- he had to make he see-

"Merlin- this isn't some punishment for your sins-"

Merlin shook his head, sobbing harder.

"Do you hear me? Nothing you've done could ever warrent this-"

Merlin exploded.

"I killed them! Don't you see!? I'm not good like you!"

"No, Merlin, your so much better-"

"I guilted them into thinking I was a victim- an _innocent _who needed protecting from the demons. And when they went to save me because they were so pure and good and _blind_ that they trusted me! _They trusted me! _And I stole everything from them! Their hopes and futures- _their lives!_ And the worst part is I didn't stop myself. I knew what I was doing-And I _kept killing_. I should've killed myself years ago- Then you'd still be alive! Your screams are here too, Arthur. Can't you hear them?!"

"Merlin, stop! I'm not screaming- I'm talking beside you. Just talking-"

"I can't hear you scream anymore! Go back-forget about me, please! You can't redeem me!"

"You don't need redemption!"

"_Don't you get it?!_ The same magic that _killed your mother_ pulses in my veins! The same magic the flows through the dragon that slaughtered half your kingdom _flows through me_! The same magic that corrupted Morgana lives in me! I am just like them!"

"No, you aren't!" _Why won't you listen to me! _

"I'm a _Monster_, Arthur! Why won't you see that! _I lied to you!_ Every good thing you think I ever did I did because I was scared you'd see the bodies behind me and kill me. _I was a coward!_ I could've ended it! But I let myself hurt and break and kill again and again and again-" Arthur couldn't take it anymore. His heart couldn't break anymore. He snapped.

"SHUT UP!"

Merlin flinched, his swimming eyes widening and for the first time since he had stumbled into Arthur's service all those years ago, he obeyed.

That was Arthur's signal to stop shouting.

But he couldn't.

"Just shut up- okay! If you really believe any of that then you really are an idiot! Because I was an idiot! I was wrong! Magic isn't evil- it can't be because _you_ _have it_-"

Merlin's shook his head, his tears overspilling but Arthur cut him off before he could interject, his voice trembling as he shoved on.

"No- no, I told you to shut up! An evil man wouldn't have saved me- _wait_…"

Understanding slapped him across the face.

Of course! How hadn't he realized?!

"You used magic! When you first saved me! You used your magic!"

"I told you-" Merlin whispered brokenly.

"Everything was lie-"

But Arthur didn't hear him.

He'd used _magic_ in front of _Uther._

"You used magic to save me, knowing that if you were caught you'd be killed." Arthur felt his blood drain out of his head, leaving him lightheaded as the full impact of his realization slammed into him.

Merlin had _risked his life_ to save a stranger who'd treated him like scum.

How many times had he done that? Put his life on the line for theirs? And how many times would they have died if he hadn't saved them? Pain sharper than anything Arthur had ever felt lanced through his heart as tears stung his eyes.

How could the kindest of them all think he was a monster?

"Merlin," he tried but his voice broke.

He cleared his throat, forcing himself to continue. "I have never met a man as good as you."

Merlin stiffened, his uncomprehending eyes slowly lifting to meet Arthur's.

Arthur didn't notice. He was too busy fighting against his emotions as realizations poured out of his mouth.

"It was you all along! All those times we never should have survived-! Valient… the Undead… Eledore... All the rocks and trees that fell at just the right times, the Questing beast's bite, the dragon, the potions you made just happening to have the right 'rare herb' to save us, _the ball of light that led me out of the cave!- _We'd be dead hundreds of times over without you! And you lived every minute terrified we'd kill you if we knew-"

_Every day _he stood by Arthur's side, _smiling_, as Arthur's hatred for everything he was twisted him-_broke him_\- until he believed every heinous word.

"_Merlin._ You were-" He couldn't continue.

Arthur had only cried twice since he was nine summers old. Once when Morgana betrayed him. Once when Father died.

But now hot tears streaked down his cheeks.

"-Every day you gave _everything you had _for us -every day- thinking you deserved to die as you made our lives worth living."

Merlin gasped, raggedly. He was still crying.

Arthur reached out- he couldn't stop himself- Merlin was still crying! he could barely see the man through his own tears- and last time he'd tried had started this whole terrible conversation- but when he hand touched Merlin's shoulder, he only cried harder, curling in on himself.

"I'm so sorry, Merlin. You weren't the monster." Merlin let out a strangled whimper and launched himself into Arthur's open arms, his entire body shuddering as he cried broken, terrible sobs. Arthur clung to him.

They cried together.

"You weren't… you weren't, I promise...you were the brightest, kindest, bravest, best man I will ever know. Not because of your magic or despite it- **you**, Merlin. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry I hurt you." Merlin latched to his shirt, needing the contact and sobbed his heart out, staining it with drops of hidden pain and raw grief.

Arthur let his heart out too. Words instead of tears.

"I'm sorry I made you feel this was the only way-"

"It wasn't your fault." Merlin whimpered raggedly through his sobs because he was _Merlin. _

But it was Arthur's fault.

_Maybe if I'd been enough…_ _if I'd known…_ _if I'd listened! If I hadn't always laughed at him and turned everything into stupid cruel jokes-_ No!

He couldn't go down that road of guilt.

It was the road Merlin had taken and he'd drowned without Arthur ever knowing.

Merlin's trembling began to slow as his sobbing faded into softer gasps.

A tiny spark of hope lit in Arthur battered heart.

He'd let Merlin wander a path he couldn't escape from.

But maybe he now could finally find him.

"-And for what I said earlier. I didn't mean it… It doesn't matter that you couldn't stay- I would have died for you anyway." It was true. He'd do it again and again, even knowing it ended with both of them dead and broken because-

"Why?" Merlin whispered, his voice teary, vulnerable.

"Because you're the only brother I have and I couldn't bear to lose you."

_I love you._

Merlin started crying again.

But the scarlet on his hands had faded away.

And the black had warmed to a dark gray.

They stayed there for a long while.

Maybe forever, Arthur didn't know.

But eventually Merlin's tears stopped.

And when they did a _white_ abruptly popped into existance above them bathing them in a soft white glow. It jolted them from their thoughts and tears and they flinched away from it, sheilding their eyes, but not daring to look away in case it vanished and left them in the dark again. It didn't seem to plan to abandon them though, it drifted down to ground, growing steadily brighter. Arthur blinked his eyes rapidly, trying to get his eyes to adapt. Merlin gasped, his body locking against Arthur's. Arthur frowned, tightening his hold on Merlin instinctivly, he wouldn't let anything hurt him again!

"Freya?" Merlin begged desperately, childlike hope glinting in his eyes.

Freya? The light was a Freya?

"What's a Freya_-_" But before he could even finish the question, Merlin wrenched out of his grip, charging across the not-obsidian ground to the light. Arthur launched to his feet, blinking as a woman with long dark hair stepped out of the light. A smile split across her face as Merlin crashed into her- crushing her against him.

Arthur's head spun as he tried to keep up with the sudden twist.

She had to be dead. She was touching Merlin. But when had he fallen in love?! And why hadn't he told Arthur when she died?!

For they were obviously lovers: the way their foreheads pressed against each other -Merlin's hands on her _waist!_\- the way they clung to each other like the other was their whole world.

"Freya… Freya…. You're here… You're here- _I'm so sorry-_" Merlin's voice caught and new tears glistened in his eyes.

Arthur's heart fell- _No! He's made so much progress-_ This 'Freya' couldn't just appear and unravel it all!

But then she spoke, killing Arthur's fears before they could even fester.

"I'm here- I'm right here, shut up, Merlin-"

Oh.

Arthur could grow to like this girl.

Her hand reached up, wiping away his escaping tears, cradling his cheek. He nuzzled into it- _needed it_\- as more tears fell.

"But if I hadn't-" She cut him off again, her voice gentle and warm.

"Shush. If you hadn't rescued me I would've died believing I was the monster-" The familiarity struck him and realization dawned.

_Oh. She had magic too._ _That's why he didn't tell you. _

"- You saved me and I am eternally greatful."

"_I missed you so much…_" In response she leaned up to him, pressing her lips against his. He gasped softly, more tears spilling down his cheeks. Then he smiled.

Warmth flooded Arthur's body, swelling through his veins, healing his broken heart.

Merlin _smiled._ A real Merlin _smile._

"Hi…" he said softly, _still smiling. _

She smiled too, but hers was tinged with a sadness that sent a spark of worry worming through Arthur.

_No. Merlin's smiling. Things are going to be okay!_

"Merlin…" Both Arthur and Merlin heard the tremble in her voice. Merlin's eyes snapped up to hers, clouding with worry, his smile sliding off his face. Arthur's heart sunk like a rock to the pit of his stomach.

"It's not yet your time to go."

Merlin frowned, his brows furrowing.

But Arthur's heart soared, _Merlin could go back!_\- No! Merlin was dead, it wasn't possible… But hope began to blossom where the rock had been.

"I don't understand. It's not my time to go where?"

Freya reached out and took his hands, holding them tightly in hers.

"Albion still needs you. Your friends still need you." She smiled softly. "You get to go back."

_Yes! _Euphoria charged under Arthur's skin. God really must have cared after all. Merlin got another chance! He got to go back! Live the life his grief had stolen from him! Find out who he was when he didn't have to live in fear. Arthur had never in his life felt happier for another person then he did in this moment.

Merlin would finally get everything he'd always deserved!

Excitement sparked in Merlin's eyes as he understood.

"We get to go back? Freya, marry me-!"

Arthur's excitement died. His newly healed heart shuddered as he realized Merlin still didn't understand.

Merlin thought-

"I know the Infirmary's cramped, but I can build a house, Arthur'll give me the money-" Merlin glanced back at Arthur and grinned, lancing Arthur's heart in two.

"And it can be right by the lake, we can get a couple of cows-"

"Merlin-" Arthur started because the poor girl's eyes were filling with tears and her lips trembling as she tried to restrain her rising sadness, but Merlin waved him off, heartbreakingly oblivious.

"In a minute, I'm trying to propose," he turned back to her, tightening his hold on her hands. "I know I've made a lot of mistakes and I still… I still have a lot of problems… but I promise I'll take care of you. And Arthur's repealed the ban, you'll be safe- wait, why are you crying?" Merlin stopped abruptly, noticing her tears for the first time. He frowned the joy in his eyes died as doubt clouded in. He stepped closer, untangling one hand from hers and brushing her tears away. She leaned into the touch as desperately as he had only a couple minutes ago.

"It sounds beautiful, Merlin." She whispered, smiling through her tears. Arthur's heart ached as he realized that Merlin had fallen in love with a woman with a heart as golden as his own.

"Of course I accept. But now isn't the right time."

"I know it's soon, but we've waited so long-" He continued, his voice wary.

She shook her head, opening her mouth, but Arthur cut her off, unable to make her say it.

"Merlin, we aren't going back. We're dead."

"So am I-"

But Freya shook her head, more tears streaking down her cheeks, her voice gentle despite her pain.

"You can't die, Merlin. You are made of magic." Arthur didn't understand why that mattered, but he shoved his confusion away. It didn't matter how Merlin could go back. Only that he could.

Merlin shook his head, stubborn as always.

"No. That doesn't make sense- you have magic, and Arthur was born of it. Let's go back and-"

"No, Merlin." She shook her head too. "It's not the same. You are magic. You'll live as long as the magic does."

"_No…_" Merlin whispered, still shaking his head desperately, eyes filling with tears.

"Then… I'll bring you back- both of you-" he looked wildly over at Arthur, as though expecting him to agree.

Arthur wanted too. Merlin could probably even do it. Bring them back. But what would it cost? The balance of the world wouldn't let them go back without someone else taking their place. And Merlin was just stupid enough that Arthur didn't have to doubt whose life he'd barter.

And Arthur wouldn't lose any more family to that trap.

Arthur shook his head.

Merlin clenched his jaw.

"Fine. Then I won't go back."

"Merlin, don't be silly-"

Arthur spoke over her, hating to interrupt her when she was trying so hard. But Merlin would argue until he was blue in the face unless he had a real purpose.

"Morgana's still out there."

Merlin froze.

Then, slowly, he looked over to meet Arthur's eyes.

Arthur's heart bled as he used the very guilt that that had killed Merlin to convince him to go back.

"She's still there and now that I'm dead she'll be coming for Camelot. And your the only one strong enough to stop her.

"But I'm not strong enough to live alone again! I don't -_I can't!_-" His breathing was ragged now, his "_I'm not enough…_"

"Merlin, no-" She started, but Arthur interrupted her again, instinct taking over his sense of propriety.

"Merlin, look at me." He commanded as he crossed the distance between them, Merlin's lost sobs pulling him over without his consent. He reached out and grabbed the man's shoulders, firmly prying him away from Freya's grasp and pulling him into a tight embrace. Merlin shuddered against him, his tears splashing onto Arthur's shirt. Arthur tighten his hold, some irrational part of him hoping if he could just hold him tight enough he could take his pain away.

"Listen to me." He whispered into Merlin's ear, his voice rough as he fought back tears of his own. "You are enough. You always have been. You are strong enough and brave enough and good enough and I don't ever want you to change." A single tear escaped. He growled and held Merlin impossibly tighter.

He had to understand!

"Do you hear me? _I want you to always be you._ It's enough, Merlin, I promise it will be."

And for the second time in a matter of hours, Arthur and Merlin clung to each other and cried.

They stayed like that for an eternity that was forever too short to say goodbye to everything they'd become together. But eventually they pulled strength from the other and they parted. Merlin turned to Freya and pulling her close, whispering fervent promises to her as his tears fell down like rain. She kissed him, it was sweet and passionate and infinantly shorter than either of them deserved.

But Time didn't care what they deserved and a door-way of white light appeared behind him.

"Marry me?" He begged desperately, just loud enough for Arthur to hear.

"I'll be waiting." She promised as she pulled back and let him go.

Merlin nodded hard, taking a step away from them. Then another. Until he stood by the glowing door-way.

He tore his gaze away from her, his eyes darting to Arthur's, waiting for a reason to stay.

"Go on." Arthur said. "We'll be okay."

Merlin nodded, trying to believe it.

Then he turned and walked into the light.

After a long moment, shouts echoed in from the world beyond.

"He moved!"

"Elyan, please… not now…"

"No- I'm not cra- _he did it again!_"

"Elyan, why don't you take a-_he's moving!_"

"Lancelot, stop- Merlin!"

"Merlin- can you hear me-"

"I found a pulse!"

"_He's alive!_"

Arthur smiled. They'd all be okay.

Then he took Freya's arm and they walked into a light of their own.

The conversations they all had when Merlin woke were a far cry from pleasant. But when they were over and all the tears had been shed, Merlin had never felt more loved.

Merlin's hands trembled so violently he nearly dropped it. His pulse thrummed through him so hard he could barely breath.

_It might not work. It might not work. And even if it does- he's happy. I shouldn't take that away._

This was selfish. Selfish and wrong. He should go back. Let Arthur have his peace. Arthur deserved peace.

But he missed him _so much._

And to see him just one more time-

Before he could talk himself out of it, Merlin blew the horn.

Instantly white light filtered around him, washing away his anxiety and leaving him only with a fragile hope.

_Please, please, just one more time-_ he closed his eyes because suddenly he couldn't bear to look.

What if he didn't come?

Then a voice as familiar as his heartbeat swore.

"It's about time! I was starting to think you'd die of old age before you thought of this!"

Merlin flipped through the new book with the golden spirals etched into the cover, passing pages of scrawled notes and reminders and letters to the first blank one he could find. He dipped his quill into the ink and, after pausing for a moment, began.

_Dear Freya,_

_Hi._

_I hope your doing well. I know your in Heaven so the chances of things not being well are probably slim, but I'm me so I still worry. You probably expected that though, anyway. _

_Not much has changed since my last letter. _

_The Kingdom is recovering well from Morgana's invasion. Magic makes the repairs much easier. And you'll be pleased to know that she's happy and healthy too. Her magic is continuing to grow and her impish escapdes are causing problems across the whole castle. But she has the whole town wrapped around her finger, so don't worry about that. She'll make a good queen someday. Mordred keeps pestering me about lowering the entrance age for the school so she'll stop accidentally setting his robes on fire. I still think three's too young to teach her with the others, but in the interest of preventing a member of the council's continued nudity, I'm going to teach her the water spell. But other then the occasional magical mishap their both happier than I've ever seen them. _

_Fatherhood looks good on Mordred. I'm glad. They both deserve this._

_Gwen's okay. She misses Arthur, of course. I wish she could see him too. But she says she can feel him when he's near her. She doubts herself more than she should. But she's so strong. And she's learned to be happy again. Morgana's helped with that the most out of all of us, I think. They're already almost as close as they were. The others are okay too._

_Leon's knights are doing well- especially the newest recruit, Lady Kay- I thought you'd like that, Freya. And he's been caught talking with a pretty druid girl and Gwaine swears he can hear the wedding bells coming. Speaking of, Gwaine's mostly the same. His smiles are a little less these days and he drinks a little more than he used too, but he's finally stopped blaming himself. We've had a few good conversations we both needed._

_I think he'll be happy again someday._

_Lancelot is good, as noble as ever. Some days he's the only rock holding us up. _

_And Percival is still as kind as always. He's been growing his hair recently. It looks strange. Leon sent him and Elyan on a mission to free the captive magical Camelotian's in the slave circles. Elyan and his wife are doing well. She and Gwen are good company for each other and Gwen suspects they might have a happy announcement soon, but you know how excited Gwen gets with these things. _

_Mum's still perfect. She's head of the village now and the harvest is good this year._

_Gaius is the same as he always is, except older. He's training Mordred to take his place and healing suits him. He's started to talk about passing on the torch, but we're all reluctant. I don't want to loose him. Sometimes I wish I could be his apprentice again, but I'm too busy with the school and honestly I couldn't give it up for anything in the world._

_My students are amazing. Their magic is so pure- their excitment makes me feel like I have a purpose again. And the moment when their apprehension and fear dies and they realize that they are free- I'll never forget those moments. I can't ever thank Arthur enough. _

_I suppose this is the part where I say that I'm fine._

_I want too. I do sometimes. When the others ask. _

_I know- I know- I don't have to guess what you'd say to that._

_I'm working on it. _

_But sometimes I just don't have the words to tell them why I still cry when I see strawberries. Or why my smile dies when I look to me side and your not there. Or how the voices come back on those ugly nights when the void is blackest. The voices that say this is my fault. Or that I'll never be happy again. Or that I'll always be alone._

_Or that they'd be better off without me._

_It's those nights that I miss you the most._

_Dear God, sometimes it's so dark._

_Sometimes I wonder how I'll survive without you. _

_But I promise you- I swear on your life and everything you mean to me- _

_I will __**never**_ _give into the void._

_I don't know if it will ever give up on me. _

_But I do know that there is always light._

_Because when it's blackest and all hope is gone- Arthur's always there. _

_And he helps me hold on until a tiny flicker comes._

_Laughter echoing in the halls, a rainbow behind the clouds, billions of guiding stars, a bird's song._

_Gaius's safe hugs, Mordred's soft smiles, My students' bubbling innocence, Gwen's kind reminders, The Knight's constant support, Mother's letters, Morgana's giggles, - they're not always enough to drive away the void or the voices. _

_But they're always just enough to remind me that there is happiness beyond the dark._

_They can't take away the pain._

_But they give me hope that it's not forever. _

_Don't get too excited- I'm not fine._

_I'm still broken. And I don't know how to fix me. I don't even know if it's possible._

_But for the first time in a long time, I have hope._

_And I think that's enough._

_You mean more to me than anything else in the world. _

_Thank you for being the only one who found me when I was lost._

_You saved me. I promise to spend till my dying breath trying to make everything you gave me worth it._

_I can't wait for the day I get to see you again._

_I love you._

_Forever and Always._

Merlin set the quill into the ink bottle and closed the journal with a finality that felt fitting.

He looked up to see Arthur waiting patiently, leaning against Gaius's work table.

He smiled at him, a real one. It felt good.

"You coming to work with me today?"

Arthur snorted.

"Someone's got to keep your scrawny backside safe."

And he did.


End file.
